December 2025 Joke Round-Up

  As is tradition, my December round up is the only one of the year that I actually write on the 1st of the following month.  It used to be because I was out at the bar partying it up for NYE and now it’s because my NYE is sitting in the basement with my family playing video games together just trying desperately to make it to midnight.  This is the most stereotypical-ass “look at how things change when you get older” post ever; let’s just go ahead and stop with that.  I came out of the gates hot in December the first few days and then by the end of the month apparently I had nothing at all to be joking about? Well, I guess several of those days at the end of the month I was passed out in bed with ‘rona for the entire day.  Anyways, the holidays are officially over and now we enter the stretch of the year with the longest amount of time between those sweet sweet paid holidays.  Neat.  I will make myself feel better by eating an entire shrimp ring today.

12/3

I don't mean to brag, but I feel like making a bilingual, Christmas-themed "your mom" joke is pretty impressive.

12/3
I have walked back and forth between the kitchen and bedroom 3 times because I'm indecisive about whether I want to eat something or change clothes first and I could've done both of those things already in the time I've wasted.

12/4

Me to myself looking for something to eat this morning: "Bro, fuck it. Nothing in life matters, just eat some fish sticks for breakfast."

12/5

GET THE ENTIRE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THIS BULLSHIT

12/8

When I die I want my wife to build me a casket out of wooden pallets and then post it on Pinterest.

12/13

So cozy

12/13

What?

12/21

Me, alone in the house with the Xbox on, gifts and wrapping paper spread out on the floor, food prep and seasonings out on the kitchen counter, eating a bag of chips: "I may have committed to too many things at once."

Welp, I am ready to spend the rest of this day silently screaming into the abyss.  Or playing Xbox. Not fully decided yet.

-Ryan

November 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Holy fuckarooski, we are just barreling recklessly towards the end of the year now.  Time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now. And now we take a peek into the inner workings of my brain, as I wrote that little intro there, then decided I liked it so much as its own little thought that I posted it as a joke on the page, thus making me also include it in my summary of jokes for the month. So there might be a fun little moment of deja vu when you get to the end of this post. That’s extra funny because nobody reads these, not even me! I’m going to have it put in my will that the entire contents of this sight be read aloud before divvying up my estate; which is probably gonna be like a grand total of $14 and a box full of various random cables that I saved my entire life just in case.  These jokes, tho.

11/3

My wife: *watching baby hippo videos*

Me: "Do you want to see my favorite hippo video?"

My wife: "Yea...no, because it's gonna be the pooping video."

Me: "It absolutely was gonna be the pooping video."

#Soulmates

11/4

This morning I woke up with the knowledge that I absolutely had to combine a picture of Ash turning his hat backwards with this spoof of an iconic quote from the movie "They Live".  Sometimes my brain just be doing things.

Edit: out of sheer happenstance, I have just learned that the movie "They Live" was released to theaters exactly 37 years ago today.

11/5

This felt like a really important conversation about hats with my friends.

11/6

I typed this out to myself at 1am. My brain was doing some dumb shit.

11/10

Today's high temp is 38 with a wind chill of 15 and I need to know who the hell could possibly be out there excited about this. Every time people say Fall or Winter is their favorite season, this is what I think of.  Who is waking up thinking "This is perfect. I've waited all year to be cold as shit." Because I need you to know that you are wrong and I don't like you.

11/11

I wonder if when John Cena retires he will change his name to John Postre.

This is a bilingual joke, fyi.

11/11

Any bar can be a karaoke bar if you put $20 in the TouchTunes and sing loud as fuck.

11/14

Not so much a joke as it is commentary on the depressing state of everything right now.

11/15

I'm wearing a St. Louis Blues shirt that shows the year the team was established and my son pointed out "Your shirt says 6 7." So that's another fucking thing that kids have ruined.

11/18

Seriously I need to know what sort of magic allows USB cables to somehow have 3 sides.

11/20

I'm getting to live out a dad-joke today as I'm taking my daughter to a dentist appointment at 2:30. She is not nearly as amused as I am.

11/21

Idk what everyone else is doing at 3 a.m. but I'm laying awake wondering if my arms are too long.

11/25

I have spent my entire life not knowing how to get the inside of a Toaster Strudel warm without burning the outside and at this point I've just come to really enjoy the temperature dichotomy of the warm, flaky crust with a chilled fruit filling.

11/25

One dog is mad as hell and the other gives no fucks.

11/25

I feel like if I was bald I would struggle to know how far up the sides of my face I should let my beard grow.

11/28

Me eating leftovers this morning: "Thanksgiving is over when I say it's over."

11/30

We are officially in that part of the year where time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now.

Hey, there it is! That thing that I wrote at the beginning. That was fun. I am so clever.

-Ryan

October '25 Joke Round-Up

  Busy month. Hockey started again, kicked some ass on gameshows at work, had my 20 year high school reunion, got to go on a trip to Universal Studios with a buddy, participated in my first ever chili cookoff on behalf of the local LGBTQ+ Ally group, got some sweet family pictures taken, got sick AF for a day or two, officially kicked off my political “career” by submitting a petition to be a precinct committeeperson, and still found plenty of time to feel disappointed in myself as a human being (luckily I’m pretty good at multi-tasking). Let’s look at my lil jokey jokes.

10/2

Important question

10/3

My wife tried to say something to me as I was doing DuoLingo and right when she started talking I just happened to click on the sound byte "occupado."

She immediately started laughing and said, "Well fuck you too, then!"

This woman is my soul mate.

10/7

As far as I'm concerned, the only times it's acceptable to wear a cowboy hat are if you are actively roping a steer or if you're dressing up as Bret Michaels for Halloween.

10/16

I never truly understood homesickness until I bought a bidet.

10/24

I overhead 2 ladies gossiping at the grocery store and one comment in particular really threw me off.

"She changes boyfriends like I change underwear. Every week she's dating someone new."

Did this lady just admit that she only changes her underwear once a week?

10/25

I don't know if I could ever be brave enough to buy an enema kit from a thrift store.

10/29

Many people already know that I LOVE St. Louis style pizza (provel is life).  One point of frustration I have from growing up was my mom's side of the family's insistence on regularly ordering one of the worst pizzas I've ever had in my life, Ponticello's. It barely qualified as pizza, it was garbage topped with provel. They had the nastiest, driest, burnt, concerningly gritty & powdery crust and despite my frequent objections to their trash-ass excuse for a pizza, even on my own birthday that was the go-to order at family gatherings. "Happy birthday, Ryan, here's some 'food' you specifically said you did not want." Bullshit, I know.

The last time I ever had to eat that pizza was in 2005. And Ponticello's closed in 2014 so they can no longer hurt people with their terrible pizza, but despite all that time I'm not entirely over the pain that pizza inflicted upon me.  The other night I saw a post on the St. Louis subreddit asking people to name local restaurants that they missed. I stayed up late scrolling through 300+ comments specifically so I could downvote anyone that said Ponticello's.  I absolutely do not regret my actions.

I don’t know how to end it this month, so I’ll just say this: fuck Ponticello’s pizza.

-Ryan