December '24 Joke Round-Up

  When this blog post auto-publishes the morning of Jan. 1st, I will (hopefully) still be asleep in bed next to my wife, not having a care in the world except for maybe nursing a hangover. We’re having a low key NYE in our basement, but at this point in my life if I drink 2 beers my body just kinda rolls the dice on whether or not I will feel like a bag of assholes in the morning.  I felt pretty good about the number of jokes I wrote this past month.  I did not feel good about the fact that this is the most jokes I have written with absolutely no reaction in a single month’s time.  At the time of writing this, 5 of these 20 jokes got absolutely no reaction on the big FB.  So, either I was really phoning it in, or FB is a dead platform and I should move on, or people are just tired of me and my shtick.  Who knows! Honestly, it would make a lot of sense for people to be tired of me because I have been tired of myself for years; I am exhausting to be around and I am the only person who never gets a chance to have time away from me.  Anyways, let’s look at some of those jokes.

12/4

I couldn't be a musician.  I'd either play my own songs on repeat, declaring each song to be a "certified banger" or I'd hate everything I'd created forever.  No in-between.

12/6

If FB community pages didn't exist, where would people post pictures of the Ring doorbell cameras and ask who is on their front porch instead of just answering the fucking door?

12/6

I met some of my wife's coworkers the other day. And apparently my idea of a good first impression was to talk about how, on more than one occasion in my life, I have contemplated eating something I saw in the trash.

12/7

One thing I do really enjoy is when jokes write themselves.  Yesterday I had some random anti-vax dingus take exception to a joke I wrote 2 weeks ago at the expense of walking punchline and noted brain worm enthusiast RFK Jr.  It's a shame she missed the joke I wrote making fun of flat-earthers the very next day because of course she's one of those too.

12/8

Well, this book definitely missed the mark…

12/9

As if I needed a reason to sing "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" in the shower.

12/9

I'm watching professional wrestling and drinking fruit punch flavored wine out of my Best Dad mug. This is it. I have reached peak existence.

12/13

I have made far too many frozen pizzas in my life to still be digging the cooking instructions out of the trash because I'm not quite sure I know what I'm doing.  And yet here we are.

12/15

I would say that my greatest success as a parent is never introducing Elf on the Shelf to our household.

12/18

Pretty sure that covers it.

12/18

Sometimes I don't know if the food I'm eating is actually good or if I just have embarrassingly low standards.

12/20

Imagine being the richest person in the world and still being the lamest MFer in existence.  Gosh, that would be so embarrassing.

12/20

My kids after watching me eat 2 burgers topped with chili and jalapeños.

Abby: "Dude, that's gonna mess you up. It's gonna make you go #3."

Henry: "What's #3?"

Abby: "You don't wanna know."

I am so proud of the impression I've made on my children.

12/21

It's kind of a shame that I don't like Bloody Marys because a lot of them come with snacks on top and I love snacks.

12/23

My wife's preferred sleeping position is Dead Yamcha. Every time I see her asleep, for a split second I wonder if I'm gonna have to go collect all 7 Dragonballs to wish her back to life.

12/24

I'm just full of holiday spirit and beef.

12/27

Fact: Dino nuggs are better than regular nuggs.

12/29

My wife and daughter went to the store and when they got home my daughter burst through the door singing, "We have potato wedges!"

I swear, if she starts eating wings she'll damn near be a carbon copy of me.

12/30

Sometimes I get upset that my dog can't understand all the nice things I say to him.  I just really need him to know that he is the handsomest boy.

12/31

I feel really embarrassed right now because I just put a whole bunch of toasted ravioli on a platter that says "Now that's saucesome!" but I forgot to get sauce.

Cheers to 2025 and all the fuckery it will bring. Hold on to your butts.

-Ryan

November '24 Joke Round-Up

  Woo, I wrote a lot of jokes this month.  A lot more than usual.  I think that’s because of the sense of despair from some major world event this past month.  What a shitshow.  At least I can look forward to the jokes on this blog eventually being used as state’s evidence to send me to the gulag.  Oh well, moving on. What else happened this month? I finally gave in and let myself play Stardew Valley, which has consumed my thoughts exactly as expected.  My wife finally watched the video of me on the Discovery Channel in 8th grade and so now she knows my deep, dark secret: that despite all outward appearances I might not be a complete dumbass.  Idk, there are probably more things that happened this month too, but I’m already at a decent-sized paragraph and ready to move on to these jokes.

11/4

I really don't understand how there's still water left in the sky since I'm hoarding so much of it in my basement.

11/5

It's kind of surreal that I just have to sit here going about my day normally while waiting to find out exactly how dumb the rest of the country's population is.

11/5

I'm eating refried beans for dinner so that if the election doesn't go the way I want it to I'll at least have farts to make me smile.

11/6

Imagine having an unflappable belief, despite any and all evidence to the contrary, that Rainn Wilson is a great salesman in real life because you watched The Office.  The real villain in all of this is Mark Burnett.

11/8

It's 3am, I'm standing in my dark kitchen eating cold mashed potatoes with my fingers. Clearly, things have gone off the rails.

11/8

Since I can't sleep, I guess I'll just rewatch the greatest movie ever made: 2 Fast 2 Furious. #KickItANickel #NotGoingBackToBarstow #WeHungry #Gallo12OrGallo24

11/8

I realize that there is just a fundamental problem with myself because I stupidly think that if I provide someone with factual information and references in situations where they were misinformed they will be like, "Oh yes, I appreciate this info and I will take this into consideration and adjust my stance on this matter accordingly" instead of just doubling down on their wrongness.

11/10

My last post had a lot of really positive reactions from people who, like me, are open to changing their stances on issues when presented with factual information.  Pursuant to that, I'd now like to talk to you all about why 2 Fast 2 Furious is the greatest movie ever made…

11/12

I like to watch Jeopardy in the afternoons to flex on my kids.  Especially as they are getting into their teenage years when they think their parents are dumb I can be like, “Yeah, well I know the jazz trumpeter who released the 1957 album ‘Miles Ahead’, which had him playing the flugelhorn on all the tracks.  Do you?”

11/12

Life Pro Tip: You can use a fitted sheet to wrap yourself into a cocoon and be cozy AF.

11/13

I am currently explaining to a grown adult how a bill becomes a law and the role of checks and balances of each branch of the government and holy shit, did everybody not watch Schoolhouse Rock?

11/14

I have just learned that making a post on Bluesky is known as "skeeting" and I think it's painfully obvious that nobody consulted Lil Jon before coining this term…

11/14

Without fail, every time I think to myself "I bet it's about time to change the air filter in my furnace" I find out that I'm actually 4 months overdue.

11/15

Our dog tried to follow the kids out the door on their way to school this morning.  I told him "Barclay, you can't go to school, you don't even have any pencils."  Truthfully, I don't think a lack of pencils is the ultimate determinant as to why our dog can't go to school, but he's a dog and doesn't understand this.

11/15

Based on the picks so far, it looks like Trump's next batch of cabinet appointments will be: The Penguin, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Fuzzy Lumpkins, and the bear from The Revenant.

11/16

I need Wham-O to come out with a cushioned Slip 'N Slide for adults.  Those little tarps that just sit on the ground and have you feeling every single bump and divot are absolutely terrible when you do not have the physical resiliency of a child.  I still want to enjoy Slip 'N Slides but do not want to ice down my whole body the next day.

11/18

My favorite part about donating blood is afterwards when they tell you "No heavy lifting or strenuous activity and don't skip any meals" because I was already planning to just lay on my couch and eat snacks but now I don't have to feel bad about it.

11/20

Just went and got my flu & covid shots to make sure I had them before the incoming Secretary of Health & Human Services replaces vaccines with Ivermectin and brain worms.

11/21

Here is a little tip for media literacy: if the youtube video you are watching is titled something like "The TRUTH behind -insert whatever subject matter-" you can be reasonably certain that it is not truthful.

11/21

Do you ever see someone out themselves as a flat-earther and you're not even surprised or disappointed or anything, you're just like, "Yeah, that tracks for them"?

11/22

If I ever became independently wealthy to the point that I didn't NEED to work, I would absolutely take a part time job in either retail or food service just so I could indiscriminately tell off any customers that decided to act like an asshole.

11/22

I bet Crocodile Dundee could've saved Chubbs' hand.

11/24

I feel like most people probably have a preference between dromedary and bactrian camels but my wife says I'm just weird.

11/26

Top 3 things that catholicism has brought to society:

1. Weekly fish fries

2. Sister Act

3. Sister Act 2

11/27

"Fuck it, let's go hard." - me deciding to put a 3rd scoop of leftover ground beef in the ramen noodles I'm making for lunch

11/30

I guess I'll get myself into the holiday spirit and watch Die Hard.

Man, I had a lot of movie references in there this month too.  And what a spread, too. James Bond, Die Hard, Fast & Furious, The Revenant, Sister Act, Crocodile Dundee, Happy Gilmore.  I am just a font of pop culture references or something.  Neato.

-Ryan

October '24 Joke Round-Up

  Taking a PTO day from work on a Thursday but not also taking Friday off feels dumb.  I could have given myself an extra long weekend but instead I have broken up my week and will likely make Friday feel very confusingly like a Monday.  What an obnoxious thing for me to be complaining about.  Here’s something worth complaining about: on Oct. 3rd I wrote a joke about the shitty tasting medicine I was taking while feeling sick; and here I am at the end of the month still coughing.  I can’t recall a time in my life that I got sick and didn’t have a lingering cough for three to four weeks afterwards; it’s great.  How about these jokes though?

10/2

Sometimes I throw together a pretty impressive dinner from odds and ends and I think to myself "I could probably hold my own in an amateur cooking competition."  Then I remember that my knife skills are shit and I'd still be trying to dice an onion while everyone else is plating.

10/3

I've been under the weather this week.  My wife picked this up at the pharmacy to help me function and I gotta say, if I didn't know better I would think there had been a horrible mistake at the bottling facility because this shit tastes like I'm drinking floor cleaner. Imagine opening a jar of Vick's Vaporub and eating it with a spoon like yogurt.  Absolutely awful, I'd almost rather just keep feeling like shit than take this stuff.

10/7

When my wife tells me in the morning that she didn't hear me come home from hockey at 1 a.m., it gives me a bit of comfort that she probably also does not hear me making myself snacks at midnight every other night of the week.

10/11

Pretty sure this is how my kids would live if I didn't spend all day every day telling them to pick up their trash.

10/18

Election season on social media is a great way to find out which people you know are definitely not smarter than a 5th grader.

10/19

I feel like the speed at which bread gets moldy is highly dependent on whether or not I want to make a sandwich.

10/22

This very upset man-child in my DMs believes that me posting info about early voting in my town makes me a biased piece of shit and is going to make his own group, presumably named "Angry Idiots Overreacting About Nothing."

We are days away from a very important election that is giving me a lot of anxiety due to the fact that people in general tend to be embarrassingly stupid, as evidenced by that last screenshot.  I wonder how I’ll be feeling when it’s time to write my next joke round-up.  

-Ryan