July '26 Joke Round-Up

  Well, it does not look like July was the month that I got my shit together. I don’t know if I can rightfully describe what it would look like for me to have my shit together, but I also feel confident in saying that my present situation has my shit in a bit of a disarray.  Perhaps disarray is just the natural state of my shit and I should leave it be so as not to disturb nature. What the complete and actual fuck am I even talking about right now?  It kind of feels like I haven’t written as many jokes about current events lately.  Though I did get one at the expense of Mitch McConnell; fuck that guy. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but since he is apparently still alive this is all copacetic.  Honestly though, it’s hard to write jokes about current events because everything is so absurd already and also because it just turns into insults towards the absolute doorknobs that support this bullshit *gestures broadly at everything*.  It’s also getting harder to write jokes about my kids because now that they are teenagers they seem to make a concerted effort to interact with me as little as possible unless they need food or money.  Anyways, that is already a whole-ass paragraph of an intro so let’s just move on to these jokes.

7/2

My wife and I have parental controls set up on our kids' phones that send us alerts if there is "questionable" activity like bullying or foul language and so far all of the alerts we've gotten have just been messages the kids have gotten from me. 

7/3

When I play golf my club choice really boils down to whether I want a bad shot or a worse shot. 

7/7

The GOP right now trying to make sure Mitch McConnell's seat doesn't get filled via special election 

7/8

Love means never having to hold in a fart. 

7/16

Earlier this evening I was in a group of fellow adults who spent a good 15 minutes talking about raising chickens, butchering chickens, and cooking chickens. And I managed to resist saying anything about choking chickens. 

7/18

Never let it be said that I'm not self-aware. 

7/31

Animal Crossing gave me unrealistic expectations about being able to pay off my house by fishing and selling turnips.

Now I’m gonna go get some tacos with my wife.

-Ryan

June '26 Joke Round-Up

  Have I given up the dream? What am I even doing this for? Just out of habit? Maybe when I’m long gone someone in my family tree will be like, “Yeah, our ancestor was fucking weird.  Look at all this dumb shit he wrote.”  Wait, I pretty much had this same exact thought process when I started off last month’s post. I’m not even original with my fucking intros. I wonder how much weight my ceiling fan can hold. Jokes!

6/3

I had two batches of urgent orders I had to work through today and in order to easily filter them in Excel I tagged the batches of orders as:

Hot To Go

2 Hot 2 Go

Also worth mentioning that I shared this story with my daughter because I thought she'd appreciate the reference and she responded "Don't you have a team you work with? Are they just used to this stuff by now?"

6/5

Claude AI will never know the delight of a Cheddar Bay Biscuit. 

6/6

Imagine thinking it's a flex that you haven't made any intellectual progress in 3 decades. 

6/6

We as a society don't talk enough about how hard it is to take a picture of an object we're holding without accidently making it a feet pic. 

6/10

I just really like garlic 

6/12

In retrospect, it's really not surprising that a girl I knew from college who spent 3 months trying to treat chlamydia with cranberry juice (and was weirdly not shy about sharing this info) turned out to be an antivaxxer. 

6/16

I think one of my favorite things about Facebook is watching redneck bigots constantly saying "You wouldn't say that to my face!" whenever someone hurts their feelings.  Bro, you're scared of the MetroLink, how about you cut the tough guy act. 

6/22

My wife texted me the other night asking me to bring water when I came to bed (which I did!) and Google is hounding me for a response. 

6/28

Look, if muffins and donuts and pastries are acceptable breakfast foods then there's no reason you can't have a fat slab of cake for breakfast either. All of this shit is made up anyways. 

I had my 7 year anniversary this past month. Thinking I can make more jokes about my wife and marriage now because we’re pretty locked in.

-Ryan

May 2026 Joke Round-Up

  Perhaps at some point years from now I will print out the years and years of these joke round-ups that I have done and bind them into a proper book that may be placed into a vault so that one day, generations from now long after we’ve destroyed ourselves my silly little fart jokes will serve as a great archeological and sociological find, offering a peek into what life was like “in the before times.”  This will be my legacy.

5/2

What if you stuffed one of those long, multi-colored clown handkerchiefs up your butt before a prostate exam? That would be a fun surprise for the doctor. 

5/4

My brain trying to come up with a punny team name for a golf outing: "Okay, golf-related words. Fore is definitely a golf term. And sometimes people play for money and call it Skins....nope, just gonna stop right there." 

5/9

Somehow my son asking if he could buy Robux turned into me telling him about the game Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. 

5/23

I subscribe to the advice "never stop dating your wife" but more specifically that part of dating after you've already farted in front of each other. 

5/28

I feel like everything in life got worse when Nintendo stopped making products in that translucent Atomic Purple casing. 

5/28

When the blanket is just a little too warm so you gotta kick your leg out to regulate your temperature. 

5/29

BREAKING: Kevin and The Zits announce they are pulling out of the Freedom 250 concert. 

Yep, this will be my legacy.

-Ryan