October '26 Joke Round-Up

  What the fuck, man, I don’t even wanna write anything right now. I got nothing.

10/2

Thanks to some creative input from a friend, I have officially named my travel bidet Squirt Russell. 

10/3

Tough, but fair. 

10/4

Farts are like orgasms. Enjoyable solo but even more fun with someone else there to share it with. 

10/5

Thought I was gonna get to race Cody Rhodes. He wasn't even there. 

10/8

Me any time someone mentions Rep. Mary Miller 

10/8

One of the things I love about my wife is that she hid a little love note in my bag when I left on a trip.  But the reason I know she's perfect for me is that she hid the note with my travel bidet (Squirt Russell) because she knew that I'd be sure to find it as soon as I got to my hotel room. 

10/10

There's a cow pie bingo event in town today.  Nobody has ever cared that much or made wagers on where I poop. 

10/16

Idk why dude soaps always gotta try so hard with scents like "Steel & Anger" or "Leather & Aggression." I just showered with some Strawberry Delight bodywash and I feel fucking amazing. 

10/16

Every single day just feels like another indictment of this country's standards of education. 

10/17

My wife made me a little crafty gift. She gets me.   

10/20

I would love to have a personal wave pool because the worst part of any wave pool is the other people that are in the wave people. 

10/27

I feel like I have recently gained a much deeper appreciation of Leslie Knope's struggle to accomplish anything helpful for all of the dumbass citizens of Pawnee. 

That’s it.

-Ryan

September 2026 Joke Round-Up

 For once I'm writing this day-of because I'm off work and out of town going to some theme parks with a buddy. And that seems like a good enough reason to quit pretending like I want to be writing this at all right now. Or correcting the formatting from my phone. Or giving a shit.  So them jokes.

9/5

I just found out that Jack Johnson did a cover of Escape (The Piña Colada Song) and I hate every single part of that sentence. 

9/6

I have been letting out huge farts all morning and my wife wasn't even commenting on them. Neither impressed nor disgusted. I told her this was upsetting to me because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. She apologized and told me I'm gross. I feel better. 

9/8

Honestly, the person who named aibohphobia was a dick. Clever, but a dick. 

9/8

Found a new background for Teams meetings 

9/9

There's really nothing quite like the pile of bullshit waiting for you after returning from PTO to make you regret taking PTO in the first place. 

9/10

I am way too handsome to be this stressed out all the time. 

9/10

For the amount of time & effort invested vs. outcome, I think instant mashed potatoes are fucking amazing. A marvel of modern science. 

9/10

I need smaller increments of volume control. 

9/10

If I can fall asleep in the next 5 minutes I'll get just enough sleep to still feel like shit all day. 

9/17

My wife keeps listening to country music because she obviously wants a divorce. 

9/17

"I know you've had a rough day, but I can definitely make it worse." - My wife, apparently, deciding to play country music in the house 

9/19

Staying up late on a Friday night. Disco ball lit up. Fleetwood Mac playing. Wife snoring on the couch. Changing out my furnace filter. And making sure to write on my shopping list that I need a new pack because that was the last one. 

9/19

9/21

I feel like I can't really relieve stress because it's actually a fundamental part of who I am. 

9/23

Health! 

9/25

I spent like 10 minutes trying to find the perfect music to fold laundry to. I could've been done with the laundry already. 

So my jokes are about stress and diarrhea. On brand.

-Ryan

August '26 Joke Round-Up

  This isn’t even embarrassing anymore. Is 3 jokes the least I’ve ever had in a month? What an absolute disappointment I am.  If I were to try to defend myself here I’d point out that I have been so busy and burnt out that if I’m not actively working on something my brain has substituted anything resembling an actual thought for just a series of fart noises. 

8/3

Pockets are the best 

8/13

This morning in a work chat Microsoft Copilot described me as "a licensed escalator of nonsense" and I don't know if I've ever felt more seen. 

8/20

Twice in the last week I have found a loose chicken patty in our downstairs freezer. One on the top shelf underneath waffles and the other on the door with a bag of broccoli. There has not been a package of chicken patties in the freezer for them to have come out of. I have eaten them both times. 

So that’s it for this month. –fart noises-

Ryan