Wake up, motherfuckers! It’s September. I think I inadvertently made a Green Day reference while also confusing the start and the end of September. I am actually writing this the morning of September 1st (I usually write it the night before), while I eat leftover McDonald’s and chicken wings from the kids’ birthday, paired with a Sprite (full flavor one, baby!) because I am intent on making sure I start in an amazing mood but set up to absolutely regret my choices later. I have only myself to blame, but I will learn no lessons from this. I have a handful of things to do today. I don’t want to do any of them and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m depressed or lazy or burnt out. But I do know that the longer I fuck around with this, the more I am pushing off getting that other shit done. So here are jokes I wrote this month.
8/6
My son found out that I own a panini press and this kid is absolutely jazzed to make a sandwich.
8/6
One of my absolute favorite things to do as a dad, and something I learned from my own dad, is to periodically interrupt whatever my kids are doing to ask them, "Did you want me to hang out with you?" This is especially fun when they are hanging out with their friends.
8/8
I don't really have any data to back this up, but I feel like I probably eat more food that's been dropped on the floor than most other adults. Toddlers might give me a run for my money, though.
8/9
That little flap on the front of my boxers every morning when I wake up:
8/18
I'm pretty excited to finally have a TV in the bedroom!
8/19
Our daughter got a new bed and because my wife and I are brilliant adults we used her old bed to make MEGA COUCH in our living room.
8/21
When you get recognition at work for your natural talents.
8/23
I have no problem getting on a microphone in front of a room full of people I don't know, but making a phone call makes me nervous. My brain is an absolute catastrophe.
8/25
This is the kind of high-brow humor people have come to expect from me.
8/27
I have absolutely had enough of beverage companies acting like cucumber is an acceptable flavor for a drink. Knock that shit off.
8/28
I forgot to take my anxiety meds this morning and I can tell because I am UNCOMFORTABLY PRODUCTIVE.
8/31
What sort of miracle happened here?
Ah, this month was a perfect encapsulation of me as a human being: poop and weiners, bad eating habits, and anxiety.
To my wife: This is an ice cream coupon you may redeem upon reference of this text. I will drop whatever I am doing and bring you any ice cream treat you desire, including but not limited to: home made sundae, specific ice cream from local grocery stores, anything on the Dairy Queen menu.
-Ryan
