September 2026 Joke Round-Up

 For once I'm writing this day-of because I'm off work and out of town going to some theme parks with a buddy. And that seems like a good enough reason to quit pretending like I want to be writing this at all right now. Or correcting the formatting from my phone. Or giving a shit.  So them jokes.

9/5

I just found out that Jack Johnson did a cover of Escape (The Piña Colada Song) and I hate every single part of that sentence. 

9/6

I have been letting out huge farts all morning and my wife wasn't even commenting on them. Neither impressed nor disgusted. I told her this was upsetting to me because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. She apologized and told me I'm gross. I feel better. 

9/8

Honestly, the person who named aibohphobia was a dick. Clever, but a dick. 

9/8

Found a new background for Teams meetings 

9/9

There's really nothing quite like the pile of bullshit waiting for you after returning from PTO to make you regret taking PTO in the first place. 

9/10

I am way too handsome to be this stressed out all the time. 

9/10

For the amount of time & effort invested vs. outcome, I think instant mashed potatoes are fucking amazing. A marvel of modern science. 

9/10

I need smaller increments of volume control. 

9/10

If I can fall asleep in the next 5 minutes I'll get just enough sleep to still feel like shit all day. 

9/17

My wife keeps listening to country music because she obviously wants a divorce. 

9/17

"I know you've had a rough day, but I can definitely make it worse." - My wife, apparently, deciding to play country music in the house 

9/19

Staying up late on a Friday night. Disco ball lit up. Fleetwood Mac playing. Wife snoring on the couch. Changing out my furnace filter. And making sure to write on my shopping list that I need a new pack because that was the last one. 

9/19

9/21

I feel like I can't really relieve stress because it's actually a fundamental part of who I am. 

9/23

Health! 

9/25

I spent like 10 minutes trying to find the perfect music to fold laundry to. I could've been done with the laundry already. 

So my jokes are about stress and diarrhea. On brand.

-Ryan

August '26 Joke Round-Up

  This isn’t even embarrassing anymore. Is 3 jokes the least I’ve ever had in a month? What an absolute disappointment I am.  If I were to try to defend myself here I’d point out that I have been so busy and burnt out that if I’m not actively working on something my brain has substituted anything resembling an actual thought for just a series of fart noises. 

8/3

Pockets are the best 

8/13

This morning in a work chat Microsoft Copilot described me as "a licensed escalator of nonsense" and I don't know if I've ever felt more seen. 

8/20

Twice in the last week I have found a loose chicken patty in our downstairs freezer. One on the top shelf underneath waffles and the other on the door with a bag of broccoli. There has not been a package of chicken patties in the freezer for them to have come out of. I have eaten them both times. 

So that’s it for this month. –fart noises-

Ryan

July '26 Joke Round-Up

  Well, it does not look like July was the month that I got my shit together. I don’t know if I can rightfully describe what it would look like for me to have my shit together, but I also feel confident in saying that my present situation has my shit in a bit of a disarray.  Perhaps disarray is just the natural state of my shit and I should leave it be so as not to disturb nature. What the complete and actual fuck am I even talking about right now?  It kind of feels like I haven’t written as many jokes about current events lately.  Though I did get one at the expense of Mitch McConnell; fuck that guy. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but since he is apparently still alive this is all copacetic.  Honestly though, it’s hard to write jokes about current events because everything is so absurd already and also because it just turns into insults towards the absolute doorknobs that support this bullshit *gestures broadly at everything*.  It’s also getting harder to write jokes about my kids because now that they are teenagers they seem to make a concerted effort to interact with me as little as possible unless they need food or money.  Anyways, that is already a whole-ass paragraph of an intro so let’s just move on to these jokes.

7/2

My wife and I have parental controls set up on our kids' phones that send us alerts if there is "questionable" activity like bullying or foul language and so far all of the alerts we've gotten have just been messages the kids have gotten from me. 

7/3

When I play golf my club choice really boils down to whether I want a bad shot or a worse shot. 

7/7

The GOP right now trying to make sure Mitch McConnell's seat doesn't get filled via special election 

7/8

Love means never having to hold in a fart. 

7/16

Earlier this evening I was in a group of fellow adults who spent a good 15 minutes talking about raising chickens, butchering chickens, and cooking chickens. And I managed to resist saying anything about choking chickens. 

7/18

Never let it be said that I'm not self-aware. 

7/31

Animal Crossing gave me unrealistic expectations about being able to pay off my house by fishing and selling turnips.

Now I’m gonna go get some tacos with my wife.

-Ryan