June '26 Joke Round-Up

  Have I given up the dream? What am I even doing this for? Just out of habit? Maybe when I’m long gone someone in my family tree will be like, “Yeah, our ancestor was fucking weird.  Look at all this dumb shit he wrote.”  Wait, I pretty much had this same exact thought process when I started off last month’s post. I’m not even original with my fucking intros. I wonder how much weight my ceiling fan can hold. Jokes!

6/3

I had two batches of urgent orders I had to work through today and in order to easily filter them in Excel I tagged the batches of orders as:

Hot To Go

2 Hot 2 Go

Also worth mentioning that I shared this story with my daughter because I thought she'd appreciate the reference and she responded "Don't you have a team you work with? Are they just used to this stuff by now?"

6/5

Claude AI will never know the delight of a Cheddar Bay Biscuit. 

6/6

Imagine thinking it's a flex that you haven't made any intellectual progress in 3 decades. 

6/6

We as a society don't talk enough about how hard it is to take a picture of an object we're holding without accidently making it a feet pic. 

6/10

I just really like garlic 

6/12

In retrospect, it's really not surprising that a girl I knew from college who spent 3 months trying to treat chlamydia with cranberry juice (and was weirdly not shy about sharing this info) turned out to be an antivaxxer. 

6/16

I think one of my favorite things about Facebook is watching redneck bigots constantly saying "You wouldn't say that to my face!" whenever someone hurts their feelings.  Bro, you're scared of the MetroLink, how about you cut the tough guy act. 

6/22

My wife texted me the other night asking me to bring water when I came to bed (which I did!) and Google is hounding me for a response. 

6/28

Look, if muffins and donuts and pastries are acceptable breakfast foods then there's no reason you can't have a fat slab of cake for breakfast either. All of this shit is made up anyways. 

I had my 7 year anniversary this past month. Thinking I can make more jokes about my wife and marriage now because we’re pretty locked in.

-Ryan

May 2026 Joke Round-Up

  Perhaps at some point years from now I will print out the years and years of these joke round-ups that I have done and bind them into a proper book that may be placed into a vault so that one day, generations from now long after we’ve destroyed ourselves my silly little fart jokes will serve as a great archeological and sociological find, offering a peek into what life was like “in the before times.”  This will be my legacy.

5/2

What if you stuffed one of those long, multi-colored clown handkerchiefs up your butt before a prostate exam? That would be a fun surprise for the doctor. 

5/4

My brain trying to come up with a punny team name for a golf outing: "Okay, golf-related words. Fore is definitely a golf term. And sometimes people play for money and call it Skins....nope, just gonna stop right there." 

5/9

Somehow my son asking if he could buy Robux turned into me telling him about the game Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball. 

5/23

I subscribe to the advice "never stop dating your wife" but more specifically that part of dating after you've already farted in front of each other. 

5/28

I feel like everything in life got worse when Nintendo stopped making products in that translucent Atomic Purple casing. 

5/28

When the blanket is just a little too warm so you gotta kick your leg out to regulate your temperature. 

5/29

BREAKING: Kevin and The Zits announce they are pulling out of the Freedom 250 concert. 

Yep, this will be my legacy.

-Ryan

April 2026 Joke Round-Up

  I barely wrote anything that even remotely qualified as a joke once again this month.  And let’s be real here, nobody is going to read this shit anyways.

4/2

My greatest fear in life might be ingrown toenails. 

4/3

At this point I think my kids just load the dishwasher wrong out of spite. 

4/14

Vice City for life.

4/24

I am easily one of the highest ranked Dr. Mario players in this family.

Maybe next month I’ll suck less. Not fucking likely, but we can always hope.

-Ryan