October '25 Joke Round-Up

  Busy month. Hockey started again, kicked some ass on gameshows at work, had my 20 year high school reunion, got to go on a trip to Universal Studios with a buddy, participated in my first ever chili cookoff on behalf of the local LGBTQ+ Ally group, got some sweet family pictures taken, got sick AF for a day or two, officially kicked off my political “career” by submitting a petition to be a precinct committeeperson, and still found plenty of time to feel disappointed in myself as a human being (luckily I’m pretty good at multi-tasking). Let’s look at my lil jokey jokes.

10/2

Important question

10/3

My wife tried to say something to me as I was doing DuoLingo and right when she started talking I just happened to click on the sound byte "occupado."

She immediately started laughing and said, "Well fuck you too, then!"

This woman is my soul mate.

10/7

As far as I'm concerned, the only times it's acceptable to wear a cowboy hat are if you are actively roping a steer or if you're dressing up as Bret Michaels for Halloween.

10/16

I never truly understood homesickness until I bought a bidet.

10/24

I overhead 2 ladies gossiping at the grocery store and one comment in particular really threw me off.

"She changes boyfriends like I change underwear. Every week she's dating someone new."

Did this lady just admit that she only changes her underwear once a week?

10/25

I don't know if I could ever be brave enough to buy an enema kit from a thrift store.

10/29

Many people already know that I LOVE St. Louis style pizza (provel is life).  One point of frustration I have from growing up was my mom's side of the family's insistence on regularly ordering one of the worst pizzas I've ever had in my life, Ponticello's. It barely qualified as pizza, it was garbage topped with provel. They had the nastiest, driest, burnt, concerningly gritty & powdery crust and despite my frequent objections to their trash-ass excuse for a pizza, even on my own birthday that was the go-to order at family gatherings. "Happy birthday, Ryan, here's some 'food' you specifically said you did not want." Bullshit, I know.

The last time I ever had to eat that pizza was in 2005. And Ponticello's closed in 2014 so they can no longer hurt people with their terrible pizza, but despite all that time I'm not entirely over the pain that pizza inflicted upon me.  The other night I saw a post on the St. Louis subreddit asking people to name local restaurants that they missed. I stayed up late scrolling through 300+ comments specifically so I could downvote anyone that said Ponticello's.  I absolutely do not regret my actions.

I don’t know how to end it this month, so I’ll just say this: fuck Ponticello’s pizza.

-Ryan

September '25 Joke Round-Up

  Man, I was really hoping that rapture would finally be the real one this time. Could’ve been pretty fucking cool.  Guess I’ll just keep going to work and writing my lil jokey jokes while Rome burns.  Okay, well then.

9/1

I like that my brain recognizes that I'm dealing with depression but still talks shit on myself for being lazy.  What a delightful combination of self awareness and assholery

9/13

If at any point in my life I own a Ford Explorer, I am absolutely naming it Magellan. I also briefly considered Vespucci.

9/14

I love that I, a grown ass man, can walk into a grocery store and think to myself, "My life would absolutely be enhanced if I could have chicken nuggets that are shaped like dinosaurs" and just achieve that dream right there.

9/16

We as a society have an unspoken agreement that everyone is allowed to freely fart in the bathroom without feeling embarrassed or having to say "excuse me." And it is not my fault that the bathroom at work doubles as the storm shelter.

9/18

I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY UPSET THAT THIS DOESN'T SAY "MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL"

9/23

Another day, another rapture that isn't happening.  Getting real tired of constantly having to reschedule this shit in my calendar.

9/24

My wife sends me the sweetest messages.

Man, I fucking hate fall.

-Ryan

August 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Wake up, motherfuckers! It’s September. I think I inadvertently made a Green Day reference while also confusing the start and the end of September. I am actually writing this the morning of September 1st (I usually write it the night before), while I eat leftover McDonald’s and chicken wings from the kids’ birthday, paired with a Sprite (full flavor one, baby!) because I am intent on making sure I start in an amazing mood but set up to absolutely regret my choices later.  I have only myself to blame, but I will learn no lessons from this. I have a handful of things to do today. I don’t want to do any of them and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m depressed or lazy or burnt out. But I do know that the longer I fuck around with this, the more I am pushing off getting that other shit done. So here are jokes I wrote this month.

8/6

My son found out that I own a panini press and this kid is absolutely jazzed to make a sandwich.

8/6

One of my absolute favorite things to do as a dad, and something I learned from my own dad, is to periodically interrupt whatever my kids are doing to ask them, "Did you want me to hang out with you?" This is especially fun when they are hanging out with their friends.

8/8

I don't really have any data to back this up, but I feel like I probably eat more food that's been dropped on the floor than most other adults. Toddlers might give me a run for my money, though.

8/9

That little flap on the front of my boxers every morning when I wake up:

8/18

I'm pretty excited to finally have a TV in the bedroom!

8/19

Our daughter got a new bed and because my wife and I are brilliant adults we used her old bed to make MEGA COUCH in our living room.

8/21

When you get recognition at work for your natural talents.

8/23

I have no problem getting on a microphone in front of a room full of people I don't know, but making a phone call makes me nervous.  My brain is an absolute catastrophe.

8/25

This is the kind of high-brow humor people have come to expect from me.

8/27

I have absolutely had enough of beverage companies acting like cucumber is an acceptable flavor for a drink. Knock that shit off.

8/28

I forgot to take my anxiety meds this morning and I can tell because I am UNCOMFORTABLY PRODUCTIVE.

8/31

What sort of miracle happened here?

Ah, this month was a perfect encapsulation of me as a human being: poop and weiners, bad eating habits, and anxiety.

To my wife: This is an ice cream coupon you may redeem upon reference of this text. I will drop whatever I am doing and bring you any ice cream treat you desire, including but not limited to: home made sundae, specific ice cream from local grocery stores, anything on the Dairy Queen menu.

-Ryan