Wednesday, October 1, 2025

September '25 Joke Round-Up

  Man, I was really hoping that rapture would finally be the real one this time. Could’ve been pretty fucking cool.  Guess I’ll just keep going to work and writing my lil jokey jokes while Rome burns.  Okay, well then.


9/1

I like that my brain recognizes that I'm dealing with depression but still talks shit on myself for being lazy.  What a delightful combination of self awareness and assholery


9/13

If at any point in my life I own a Ford Explorer, I am absolutely naming it Magellan. I also briefly considered Vespucci.


9/14

I love that I, a grown ass man, can walk into a grocery store and think to myself, "My life would absolutely be enhanced if I could have chicken nuggets that are shaped like dinosaurs" and just achieve that dream right there.


9/16

We as a society have an unspoken agreement that everyone is allowed to freely fart in the bathroom without feeling embarrassed or having to say "excuse me." And it is not my fault that the bathroom at work doubles as the storm shelter.


9/18

I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY UPSET THAT THIS DOESN'T SAY "MITOCHONDRIA IS THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL"


9/23

Another day, another rapture that isn't happening.  Getting real tired of constantly having to reschedule this shit in my calendar.


9/24

My wife sends me the sweetest messages.


Man, I fucking hate fall.


-Ryan


Monday, September 1, 2025

August 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Wake up, motherfuckers! It’s September. I think I inadvertently made a Green Day reference while also confusing the start and the end of September. I am actually writing this the morning of September 1st (I usually write it the night before), while I eat leftover McDonald’s and chicken wings from the kids’ birthday, paired with a Sprite (full flavor one, baby!) because I am intent on making sure I start in an amazing mood but set up to absolutely regret my choices later.  I have only myself to blame, but I will learn no lessons from this. I have a handful of things to do today. I don’t want to do any of them and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m depressed or lazy or burnt out. But I do know that the longer I fuck around with this, the more I am pushing off getting that other shit done. So here are jokes I wrote this month.


8/6

My son found out that I own a panini press and this kid is absolutely jazzed to make a sandwich.


8/6

One of my absolute favorite things to do as a dad, and something I learned from my own dad, is to periodically interrupt whatever my kids are doing to ask them, "Did you want me to hang out with you?" This is especially fun when they are hanging out with their friends.

8/8

I don't really have any data to back this up, but I feel like I probably eat more food that's been dropped on the floor than most other adults. Toddlers might give me a run for my money, though.


8/9

That little flap on the front of my boxers every morning when I wake up:



8/18

I'm pretty excited to finally have a TV in the bedroom!


8/19

Our daughter got a new bed and because my wife and I are brilliant adults we used her old bed to make MEGA COUCH in our living room.


8/21

When you get recognition at work for your natural talents.


8/23

I have no problem getting on a microphone in front of a room full of people I don't know, but making a phone call makes me nervous.  My brain is an absolute catastrophe.


8/25

This is the kind of high-brow humor people have come to expect from me.


8/27

I have absolutely had enough of beverage companies acting like cucumber is an acceptable flavor for a drink. Knock that shit off.


8/28

I forgot to take my anxiety meds this morning and I can tell because I am UNCOMFORTABLY PRODUCTIVE.


8/31

What sort of miracle happened here?


Ah, this month was a perfect encapsulation of me as a human being: poop and weiners, bad eating habits, and anxiety.


To my wife: This is an ice cream coupon you may redeem upon reference of this text. I will drop whatever I am doing and bring you any ice cream treat you desire, including but not limited to: home made sundae, specific ice cream from local grocery stores, anything on the Dairy Queen menu.


-Ryan


Friday, August 1, 2025

July 2025 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t want to fuck around with writing a silly intro for this and I’m not going to. Work has been so fucking stressful. I want to just zone out with a game or something. And I have some work I could do tonight to make tomorrow morning easier on myself. But my daughter wants to watch a movie with me and that’s what I’m gonna do because even if the rest of my day is absolute dogshit, my wife and kids fucking lift my heart so god damn much and they sure as fuck aren’t gonna look back at life 30 years from now remembering how much I wasn’t there because I was “too busy.”


7/5

It's probably really difficult to be a game show host when one of the contestants is just absolutely shitting it up and you have to continually find nice ways to say that they have no chance because they're a big dumb dummy.


7/6

I could've eaten the last parmesan bread bite and nobody in the house would've known. But I saved it for my wife to eat for lunch. And she then shared it with me. This is what true love looks like.


7/11

A short story about the hubris of man.


7/11

My wife and I have a night without the kids. We had Subway for dinner, then got ice cream, and now we're watching Escape From New York. Marriage is fucking cool.


7/12

My wife: "I feel like a relationship looks like a graph of the S&P 500. Where there are the spikes up and down for good and bad days but the overall trend is upward as the love grows."

Me: "I feel like this conversation is one of those downward spikes."


7/14

Me and my wife trying to list the 7 deadly sins:

Envy

Gluttony

Sloth

Lust

Larceny

Jaywalking

Loud Chewing


7/14

Wife: "My feet hurt."

Son: "My feet don't hurt. Maybe you have a skill issue."

My son is already funnier than I am. I'm so proud of him.


7/26

In an impulse purchase I bought myself an entire rotisserie chicken to eat and I'm not quite sure if this is a red flag about my current state of mental health or if I'm finally living the life I'd always dreamed of.


7/31

I just had this wonderfully serendipitous moment where my watch congratulated me on hitting my step goal as I was mindlessly wandering the house while stress-eating pizza.


-Ryan