July 2025 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t want to fuck around with writing a silly intro for this and I’m not going to. Work has been so fucking stressful. I want to just zone out with a game or something. And I have some work I could do tonight to make tomorrow morning easier on myself. But my daughter wants to watch a movie with me and that’s what I’m gonna do because even if the rest of my day is absolute dogshit, my wife and kids fucking lift my heart so god damn much and they sure as fuck aren’t gonna look back at life 30 years from now remembering how much I wasn’t there because I was “too busy.”

7/5

It's probably really difficult to be a game show host when one of the contestants is just absolutely shitting it up and you have to continually find nice ways to say that they have no chance because they're a big dumb dummy.

7/6

I could've eaten the last parmesan bread bite and nobody in the house would've known. But I saved it for my wife to eat for lunch. And she then shared it with me. This is what true love looks like.

7/11

A short story about the hubris of man.

7/11

My wife and I have a night without the kids. We had Subway for dinner, then got ice cream, and now we're watching Escape From New York. Marriage is fucking cool.

7/12

My wife: "I feel like a relationship looks like a graph of the S&P 500. Where there are the spikes up and down for good and bad days but the overall trend is upward as the love grows."

Me: "I feel like this conversation is one of those downward spikes."

7/14

Me and my wife trying to list the 7 deadly sins:

Envy

Gluttony

Sloth

Lust

Larceny

Jaywalking

Loud Chewing

7/14

Wife: "My feet hurt."

Son: "My feet don't hurt. Maybe you have a skill issue."

My son is already funnier than I am. I'm so proud of him.

7/26

In an impulse purchase I bought myself an entire rotisserie chicken to eat and I'm not quite sure if this is a red flag about my current state of mental health or if I'm finally living the life I'd always dreamed of.

7/31

I just had this wonderfully serendipitous moment where my watch congratulated me on hitting my step goal as I was mindlessly wandering the house while stress-eating pizza.

-Ryan

June 2025 Joke Round-Up

  June was a busy month. That seems a little stupid to say when I consider that two of the things that kept me busy this month were vacations, so maybe I am just a whiner.  I am very tired and quite frankly am not quite sure if the blurry picture on the tv is because Charter is shitting it up again or because my eyes are just that unfocused. Turns out it was a secret third option where Netflix apparently forgot that we aren’t using dial-up.  But today was my first full day at home in a week after I parlayed a work trip into a family vacation with a sprinkle of fucking awful airline travel experiences in between. I have to cut myself off here because I have done more snoozing than typing in the last 5 minutes and that feels like a sign to call it. So here are the jokes.

6/5

This is the kind of storyline development usually reserved for premium live events. My guess is they'll have a match at SummerSlam.

6/6

All it takes is a little bit of cheese dust to get me to eat styrofoam packing peanuts.

6/7

I'm my dogs' favorite person if none of the rest of the family is home and we have no guests in the house.

6/15

I like Jack Black but I don't think I will ever forgive him for making "chicken jockey" a thing.

6/22

Why would I listen to country music when I could just shit in my hand and shove it in my ear canal?

6/23

I feel like it's at least a little bit weird that eggs are not one of the numerous foods that taste like chicken.

6/23

My daughter is a character. Wonder where she gets it.

6/26

The midwestern urge to drive places because "it's only 12 hours away" makes a lot of sense when you consider how fucking shitty airline travel is.

6/28

I don't care if it's cliche or the obvious joke. If you have nautical themed decorations and you don't have something in the bathroom labeling it the poop deck, then I have absolutely no respect for you.

This brain is simply not braining right now. I need to go to bed.

-Ryan

May 2025 Round-Up

  I’m having a hard time getting started on writing my intro this month because my brain is instead choose to focus on the two equally compelling conversations of “Should I eat more donuts?” and “What kind of person am I really?” And I think the answers to those two burning questions are ultimately “yes” and “a ridiculous one.”  I walked away from writing this hoping I could come up with something resembling a coherent thought and that just didn’t happen so now we’re just going to cut our losses and move on to these jokes.

5/2

I just fell down in the pantry reaching for a box of DingDongs. 35-40 years from now that's probably how I'll die.

5/3

On the one hand I'm like, "It's Saturday night, I don't have to work tomorrow and I can stay up as late as I want." But on the other hand I'm like, "Maybe 9:45 is as late as I want to stay up."

5/4

I feel like most people who go to garage sales are just picking out things that will end up in their next garage sale.

5/5

I think the thing I'm most afraid of in life might actually be ingrown toenails. I've made more of an effort in my life to avoid those than I have snakes, spiders, or heights.

5/9

My wife and I have been scheduling a lot of projects for our house, like waterproofing the basement and getting a new roof.  But we are officially putting all of this work on hold because this morning I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of the zoo or National Geographic and now I've decided we're just going to burn down the house instead.

5/10

Son: "What's your middle name again? I forgot."

Me: "I'll give you a hint.  It starts with C and ends with R."

Son: "Charmander."

Me: "Yep, that's it. You nailed it."

5/17

I was just trying to cook up some odds and ends from our fridge and pantry and now my dinner looks like I filled a plate at an international buffet. Carnitas, couscous, and focaccia.

5/18

Do vampires have preferences on blood types? Like, are they different flavors? I'm imagining a vampire biting into someone, letting out a heavy sigh and saying, "Ugh, O+ again?! What I wouldn't give for some AB- right now."

5/18

My kids have been clogging the toilet a lot so, being an expert on the situation, I had to lecture them on proper toilet paper usage and flushing technique.  Ended it by saying, "Thanks for coming to my TURD Talk."

5/19

Women when they hear Shania Twain say "Let's go, girls!"

5/22

The flavors of Starburst are: yellow, orange, red, and pink.  Do not come at me with fruit names.

5/23

My daughter: "I don't know who any of those Marvel people are.  Is one of them White Claw? Is that a superhero?"

5/24

If the point of a Cage Match is to escape the cage, then why did you agree to be in the cage in the first place? Do you want to be in there or not? I'm getting mixed signals.

5/24

I left my bag of Doritos in the other room so that every time I want a few chips I have to go for a lil walk. This is my fitness plan.

5/25

It's crazy how my kids only realize that they are starving/exhausted/sick/urgently needing to poop when I give them a chore to do.

5/26

Family Feud: "Name something you might find in an oasis."

Me: "Noel and Liam Gallagher."

5/27

Me at my yearly checkup explaining to my doctor what medical concerns I have.

I think if I wait a few more years I can consolidate all of my round ups into a book that nobody will sell 4 copies but never actually be read by anyone. Yeah, honestly I wouldn’t even read my own book, I already lived these things and thought these thoughts once.

-Charmander