August '26 Joke Round-Up

  This isn’t even embarrassing anymore. Is 3 jokes the least I’ve ever had in a month? What an absolute disappointment I am.  If I were to try to defend myself here I’d point out that I have been so busy and burnt out that if I’m not actively working on something my brain has substituted anything resembling an actual thought for just a series of fart noises. 

8/3

Pockets are the best 

8/13

This morning in a work chat Microsoft Copilot described me as "a licensed escalator of nonsense" and I don't know if I've ever felt more seen. 

8/20

Twice in the last week I have found a loose chicken patty in our downstairs freezer. One on the top shelf underneath waffles and the other on the door with a bag of broccoli. There has not been a package of chicken patties in the freezer for them to have come out of. I have eaten them both times. 

So that’s it for this month. –fart noises-

Ryan

July '26 Joke Round-Up

  Well, it does not look like July was the month that I got my shit together. I don’t know if I can rightfully describe what it would look like for me to have my shit together, but I also feel confident in saying that my present situation has my shit in a bit of a disarray.  Perhaps disarray is just the natural state of my shit and I should leave it be so as not to disturb nature. What the complete and actual fuck am I even talking about right now?  It kind of feels like I haven’t written as many jokes about current events lately.  Though I did get one at the expense of Mitch McConnell; fuck that guy. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but since he is apparently still alive this is all copacetic.  Honestly though, it’s hard to write jokes about current events because everything is so absurd already and also because it just turns into insults towards the absolute doorknobs that support this bullshit *gestures broadly at everything*.  It’s also getting harder to write jokes about my kids because now that they are teenagers they seem to make a concerted effort to interact with me as little as possible unless they need food or money.  Anyways, that is already a whole-ass paragraph of an intro so let’s just move on to these jokes.

7/2

My wife and I have parental controls set up on our kids' phones that send us alerts if there is "questionable" activity like bullying or foul language and so far all of the alerts we've gotten have just been messages the kids have gotten from me. 

7/3

When I play golf my club choice really boils down to whether I want a bad shot or a worse shot. 

7/7

The GOP right now trying to make sure Mitch McConnell's seat doesn't get filled via special election 

7/8

Love means never having to hold in a fart. 

7/16

Earlier this evening I was in a group of fellow adults who spent a good 15 minutes talking about raising chickens, butchering chickens, and cooking chickens. And I managed to resist saying anything about choking chickens. 

7/18

Never let it be said that I'm not self-aware. 

7/31

Animal Crossing gave me unrealistic expectations about being able to pay off my house by fishing and selling turnips.

Now I’m gonna go get some tacos with my wife.

-Ryan

June '26 Joke Round-Up

  Have I given up the dream? What am I even doing this for? Just out of habit? Maybe when I’m long gone someone in my family tree will be like, “Yeah, our ancestor was fucking weird.  Look at all this dumb shit he wrote.”  Wait, I pretty much had this same exact thought process when I started off last month’s post. I’m not even original with my fucking intros. I wonder how much weight my ceiling fan can hold. Jokes!

6/3

I had two batches of urgent orders I had to work through today and in order to easily filter them in Excel I tagged the batches of orders as:

Hot To Go

2 Hot 2 Go

Also worth mentioning that I shared this story with my daughter because I thought she'd appreciate the reference and she responded "Don't you have a team you work with? Are they just used to this stuff by now?"

6/5

Claude AI will never know the delight of a Cheddar Bay Biscuit. 

6/6

Imagine thinking it's a flex that you haven't made any intellectual progress in 3 decades. 

6/6

We as a society don't talk enough about how hard it is to take a picture of an object we're holding without accidently making it a feet pic. 

6/10

I just really like garlic 

6/12

In retrospect, it's really not surprising that a girl I knew from college who spent 3 months trying to treat chlamydia with cranberry juice (and was weirdly not shy about sharing this info) turned out to be an antivaxxer. 

6/16

I think one of my favorite things about Facebook is watching redneck bigots constantly saying "You wouldn't say that to my face!" whenever someone hurts their feelings.  Bro, you're scared of the MetroLink, how about you cut the tough guy act. 

6/22

My wife texted me the other night asking me to bring water when I came to bed (which I did!) and Google is hounding me for a response. 

6/28

Look, if muffins and donuts and pastries are acceptable breakfast foods then there's no reason you can't have a fat slab of cake for breakfast either. All of this shit is made up anyways. 

I had my 7 year anniversary this past month. Thinking I can make more jokes about my wife and marriage now because we’re pretty locked in.

-Ryan