January '25 Joke Round-Up

  This was an obnoxiously long month.  Actually, the last third of it in particular was painfully long and aggravating.  We are absolutely living in the dumbest timeline currently and there are an unbelievable amount of unfathomably stupid people actively cheering on the clown show at the moment.  That’s fun.  And on top of that, it’s absolutely the shittiest time of the year; all of the holidays are over so it’s just a bunch of cold and gray days that everybody has to go to work while still feeling fat and lazy from the holidays.  Neato.  I did write a few longer-form jokes this month than my usual quippy zingers.  Mixed results there as nearly half of my jokes this month got absolutely no reaction whatsoever.  Is that because people are leaving FB in droves due to them bending the knee to the new administration? Or is it because I suck and so do my lame attempts at humor? Maybe a little of column A and a little of column B.  I’ll tell you one person who can’t get enough of me, and that’s my dopey little FB troll who has once again resurfaced, hell-bent on proving that there actually exists a person so pathetic that they have made me their personal hobby. Yikes, that is embarrassing for them.  But let’s focus on things that are embarrassing for me, like these jokes.

1/3

I had Wednesday off for New Year's, so now my brain is confused as to whether today is Tuesday or Friday.  As such, I'm going to call it Tryday because I'm just gonna try to get my shit together and hope for the best.

1/7

Meta/FB announced that they are removing fact-checking from their platforms.  And while you can (and should) be frustrated with them for this in a world that is chock full of misinformation, you should probably direct a good chunk of your ire towards the large swath of our population that sees being corrected as an infringement of their right to continue being a dumbass.

1/8

Right here is one of the major problems with my brain.  My deodorant got low enough that the pushup didn't go high enough to use anymore. But I'm like "There's still some to use, I can just hold it in my hand to apply it."  I can afford more deodorant. I even already have new deodorant in the cabinet.  But I'm using up this tiny little bit so I'm not wasteful.

Alternatively, if you asked me right now "You wanna go blow a bunch of money on shitty food we don't need?" I wouldn't hesitate for a second.  "Gotta use up this last little smidgen of deodorant so I don't have to second-guess ordering 12 Beef N Cheddars"

1/8

Personally, I think you should only be allowed to wax your mustache into a curly-cue if you own and regularly ride around on a penny farthing.

1/9

Based strictly on how quickly she was able to answer the question "When is this person's birthday," my daughter's preference of people is as follows:

1. Olivia Rodrigo

2. Me

3. Her mom

1/10

I'm pretty proud of how this played out.

1/10

My friends love getting texts from me.

1/10

My wife and I just split a pizza that we didn't even tell our kids we made.  I don't know if we're garbage parents or genius ones.

1/14

This is gonna start off weird, but just come along for the ride. I think it would suck to be cold while dying. It’s adding insult to injury. It’s bad enough that you’re dying, but you can’t even do it at a comfortable temperature? Garbage.  Way back in 2005 I watched a movie starring Mark Wahlberg, Tyrese Gibson, and Andre 3000. If you were able to correctly guess that I am talking about the movie Four Brothers…what the fuck? Anyway, I hope I’m not spoiling anything in this 20 year-old movie, but at one point one of the aforementioned brothers dies outside in the snow wearing clothes that were in no way suitable for the temperature at the time.  Because of that scene, for 2 decades now I have had a little thought lingering in the back of my head about how much it would suck to die laying in the cold like that. Probably not exactly like that because that dude got taken out in some kind of criminal underworld shootout.  But the cold part, that freaks me out.  I hate being cold. That’s why I’m hoping when I go it’s somewhere warm. I want to be warm and relaxed so at least the whole experience doesn’t suck. Someplace like the beach. A sauna. Or a hot tub. And, you know, it kinda sounds like when I die it’s really gonna ruin vacation for my wife.

1/15

My daughter got upset that I assumed some candy wrappers left on the kitchen table were her doing so I had to put it in terms that she'd understand.

Me: "If the whole family was sitting in the living room and you smelled a fart, who would you think did it?"

Her: "You! Obviously!"

Me: "And why would you think that?"

Her: "Because you're always farting!!"

Me: "That's why I assumed you left the candy wrappers."

1/15

Have you ever picked up and ate what you thought was a crumb from dinner on the counter only to realize once it's in your mouth that you've made a terrible mistake and whatever it is that you're eating is far too old and crunchy to be from the meal you just made? Yeah, me neither…

1/20

Messing around on The Jackbox Survey Scramble and this question was 100% set up for this reference.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!!"

1/22

At a certain point it's hard to tell which aches are from being sick and which are from just having an aging, out of shape body that has suffered from years of neglect and bad habits.

1/23

It's some kind of weird mental gymnastics to defend some seriously problematic gestures, be absolutely wrong on easily verifiable information, then think your big "gotcha" moment is to respond with a confirmation that you were wrong while still trying to be an asshole about it.  It's literally okay to just STFU sometimes when you don't know things.

1/24

Usually when I sing in the shower I am a cover artist. I will occasionally belt out an original, but I'm always self-aware enough to have the originals as the opener.

Today, as I took an alarmingly hot shower to warm up from this miserable cold weather, I opened the show with my new single "I Wanna Melt Like Grilled Cheese" and followed it up with a cover of "I Melt With You" by Modern English.  There may have been a theme.

1/25

I think the most hyped I have ever been at any point in my life was probably back in 1995 when I heard there was gonna be a Power Rangers movie.

1/30

I love how conspiracy theorists regularly fall back on the assumption that anyone who doesn't subscribe to their crackpot bullshit must be getting all their information from "mainstream media" like everyone who believes the moon exists clearly is indoctrinated by CNN.

Listening to the rantings of a guy who lives in a dumpster and wears a shoe on his head is also not getting your information from mainstream media, but it's by no means a reliable source either.

I really don’t know how I want to end this post. I’m in a bit of a time crunch in between running the kids around, which is also kind of silly because there truly is no deadline for me to finish writing this thing that nobody will read.  “Oh shit, I better get my lame-ass web journal updated before my completely self-imposed and arbitrary deadline.”  That’s it. That’s the ending.

-Ryan

December '24 Joke Round-Up

  When this blog post auto-publishes the morning of Jan. 1st, I will (hopefully) still be asleep in bed next to my wife, not having a care in the world except for maybe nursing a hangover. We’re having a low key NYE in our basement, but at this point in my life if I drink 2 beers my body just kinda rolls the dice on whether or not I will feel like a bag of assholes in the morning.  I felt pretty good about the number of jokes I wrote this past month.  I did not feel good about the fact that this is the most jokes I have written with absolutely no reaction in a single month’s time.  At the time of writing this, 5 of these 20 jokes got absolutely no reaction on the big FB.  So, either I was really phoning it in, or FB is a dead platform and I should move on, or people are just tired of me and my shtick.  Who knows! Honestly, it would make a lot of sense for people to be tired of me because I have been tired of myself for years; I am exhausting to be around and I am the only person who never gets a chance to have time away from me.  Anyways, let’s look at some of those jokes.

12/4

I couldn't be a musician.  I'd either play my own songs on repeat, declaring each song to be a "certified banger" or I'd hate everything I'd created forever.  No in-between.

12/6

If FB community pages didn't exist, where would people post pictures of the Ring doorbell cameras and ask who is on their front porch instead of just answering the fucking door?

12/6

I met some of my wife's coworkers the other day. And apparently my idea of a good first impression was to talk about how, on more than one occasion in my life, I have contemplated eating something I saw in the trash.

12/7

One thing I do really enjoy is when jokes write themselves.  Yesterday I had some random anti-vax dingus take exception to a joke I wrote 2 weeks ago at the expense of walking punchline and noted brain worm enthusiast RFK Jr.  It's a shame she missed the joke I wrote making fun of flat-earthers the very next day because of course she's one of those too.

12/8

Well, this book definitely missed the mark…

12/9

As if I needed a reason to sing "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" in the shower.

12/9

I'm watching professional wrestling and drinking fruit punch flavored wine out of my Best Dad mug. This is it. I have reached peak existence.

12/13

I have made far too many frozen pizzas in my life to still be digging the cooking instructions out of the trash because I'm not quite sure I know what I'm doing.  And yet here we are.

12/15

I would say that my greatest success as a parent is never introducing Elf on the Shelf to our household.

12/18

Pretty sure that covers it.

12/18

Sometimes I don't know if the food I'm eating is actually good or if I just have embarrassingly low standards.

12/20

Imagine being the richest person in the world and still being the lamest MFer in existence.  Gosh, that would be so embarrassing.

12/20

My kids after watching me eat 2 burgers topped with chili and jalapeños.

Abby: "Dude, that's gonna mess you up. It's gonna make you go #3."

Henry: "What's #3?"

Abby: "You don't wanna know."

I am so proud of the impression I've made on my children.

12/21

It's kind of a shame that I don't like Bloody Marys because a lot of them come with snacks on top and I love snacks.

12/23

My wife's preferred sleeping position is Dead Yamcha. Every time I see her asleep, for a split second I wonder if I'm gonna have to go collect all 7 Dragonballs to wish her back to life.

12/24

I'm just full of holiday spirit and beef.

12/27

Fact: Dino nuggs are better than regular nuggs.

12/29

My wife and daughter went to the store and when they got home my daughter burst through the door singing, "We have potato wedges!"

I swear, if she starts eating wings she'll damn near be a carbon copy of me.

12/30

Sometimes I get upset that my dog can't understand all the nice things I say to him.  I just really need him to know that he is the handsomest boy.

12/31

I feel really embarrassed right now because I just put a whole bunch of toasted ravioli on a platter that says "Now that's saucesome!" but I forgot to get sauce.

Cheers to 2025 and all the fuckery it will bring. Hold on to your butts.

-Ryan

November '24 Joke Round-Up

  Woo, I wrote a lot of jokes this month.  A lot more than usual.  I think that’s because of the sense of despair from some major world event this past month.  What a shitshow.  At least I can look forward to the jokes on this blog eventually being used as state’s evidence to send me to the gulag.  Oh well, moving on. What else happened this month? I finally gave in and let myself play Stardew Valley, which has consumed my thoughts exactly as expected.  My wife finally watched the video of me on the Discovery Channel in 8th grade and so now she knows my deep, dark secret: that despite all outward appearances I might not be a complete dumbass.  Idk, there are probably more things that happened this month too, but I’m already at a decent-sized paragraph and ready to move on to these jokes.

11/4

I really don't understand how there's still water left in the sky since I'm hoarding so much of it in my basement.

11/5

It's kind of surreal that I just have to sit here going about my day normally while waiting to find out exactly how dumb the rest of the country's population is.

11/5

I'm eating refried beans for dinner so that if the election doesn't go the way I want it to I'll at least have farts to make me smile.

11/6

Imagine having an unflappable belief, despite any and all evidence to the contrary, that Rainn Wilson is a great salesman in real life because you watched The Office.  The real villain in all of this is Mark Burnett.

11/8

It's 3am, I'm standing in my dark kitchen eating cold mashed potatoes with my fingers. Clearly, things have gone off the rails.

11/8

Since I can't sleep, I guess I'll just rewatch the greatest movie ever made: 2 Fast 2 Furious. #KickItANickel #NotGoingBackToBarstow #WeHungry #Gallo12OrGallo24

11/8

I realize that there is just a fundamental problem with myself because I stupidly think that if I provide someone with factual information and references in situations where they were misinformed they will be like, "Oh yes, I appreciate this info and I will take this into consideration and adjust my stance on this matter accordingly" instead of just doubling down on their wrongness.

11/10

My last post had a lot of really positive reactions from people who, like me, are open to changing their stances on issues when presented with factual information.  Pursuant to that, I'd now like to talk to you all about why 2 Fast 2 Furious is the greatest movie ever made…

11/12

I like to watch Jeopardy in the afternoons to flex on my kids.  Especially as they are getting into their teenage years when they think their parents are dumb I can be like, “Yeah, well I know the jazz trumpeter who released the 1957 album ‘Miles Ahead’, which had him playing the flugelhorn on all the tracks.  Do you?”

11/12

Life Pro Tip: You can use a fitted sheet to wrap yourself into a cocoon and be cozy AF.

11/13

I am currently explaining to a grown adult how a bill becomes a law and the role of checks and balances of each branch of the government and holy shit, did everybody not watch Schoolhouse Rock?

11/14

I have just learned that making a post on Bluesky is known as "skeeting" and I think it's painfully obvious that nobody consulted Lil Jon before coining this term…

11/14

Without fail, every time I think to myself "I bet it's about time to change the air filter in my furnace" I find out that I'm actually 4 months overdue.

11/15

Our dog tried to follow the kids out the door on their way to school this morning.  I told him "Barclay, you can't go to school, you don't even have any pencils."  Truthfully, I don't think a lack of pencils is the ultimate determinant as to why our dog can't go to school, but he's a dog and doesn't understand this.

11/15

Based on the picks so far, it looks like Trump's next batch of cabinet appointments will be: The Penguin, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Fuzzy Lumpkins, and the bear from The Revenant.

11/16

I need Wham-O to come out with a cushioned Slip 'N Slide for adults.  Those little tarps that just sit on the ground and have you feeling every single bump and divot are absolutely terrible when you do not have the physical resiliency of a child.  I still want to enjoy Slip 'N Slides but do not want to ice down my whole body the next day.

11/18

My favorite part about donating blood is afterwards when they tell you "No heavy lifting or strenuous activity and don't skip any meals" because I was already planning to just lay on my couch and eat snacks but now I don't have to feel bad about it.

11/20

Just went and got my flu & covid shots to make sure I had them before the incoming Secretary of Health & Human Services replaces vaccines with Ivermectin and brain worms.

11/21

Here is a little tip for media literacy: if the youtube video you are watching is titled something like "The TRUTH behind -insert whatever subject matter-" you can be reasonably certain that it is not truthful.

11/21

Do you ever see someone out themselves as a flat-earther and you're not even surprised or disappointed or anything, you're just like, "Yeah, that tracks for them"?

11/22

If I ever became independently wealthy to the point that I didn't NEED to work, I would absolutely take a part time job in either retail or food service just so I could indiscriminately tell off any customers that decided to act like an asshole.

11/22

I bet Crocodile Dundee could've saved Chubbs' hand.

11/24

I feel like most people probably have a preference between dromedary and bactrian camels but my wife says I'm just weird.

11/26

Top 3 things that catholicism has brought to society:

1. Weekly fish fries

2. Sister Act

3. Sister Act 2

11/27

"Fuck it, let's go hard." - me deciding to put a 3rd scoop of leftover ground beef in the ramen noodles I'm making for lunch

11/30

I guess I'll get myself into the holiday spirit and watch Die Hard.

Man, I had a lot of movie references in there this month too.  And what a spread, too. James Bond, Die Hard, Fast & Furious, The Revenant, Sister Act, Crocodile Dundee, Happy Gilmore.  I am just a font of pop culture references or something.  Neato.

-Ryan