September '24 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t even know how to intro.  Let’s just fucking go.  I started off September pretty promising on the writing-front.  Leveled off slightly in the middle, and then completely shit the bed at the end.  But I did sneak in a whole new original piece of writing that isn’t just a lazy copy-paste job of jokes that I wrote coupled with a diary entry.  Those ice cream sandwiches are fucking good.  I was INSPIRED. By food.  I love food and that definitely shows in the things that I write.  Food and farts, that’s how I can be summed up as a person.  So these jokes, though.

9/4

Hot sauce does a great job of warming your insides, so it's basically like a substitute for being loved.

9/5

If I'm being honest, one of my life goals is to be the type of person that, when I'm not in a room and my name comes up, people have positive things to say about me.

But I'm still struggling to have positive things said about me while I'm in the room, so I may not be realistic with my goal-setting.

9/5

I think the really cool thing about not being able to sleep at night is that I get to make sure I feel like complete ass for my workday while also not having anything enjoyable to do right now to make feeling like ass even be worth it.

9/5

Historically, sleep has been the only surefire way to keep myself from snacking so insomnia is terrible for my diet plan.

9/6

There's a strange sound funnel in my neighborhood near my house where I can very clearly hear people talking across the street from my master bathroom, almost as if they were standing in the bathroom with me.   I really hope this sound funnel does not work both ways…

9/6

Pure excitement. Every time.

9/10

I have a healthy relationship but an unhealthy diet.

9/11

I stuck my head out the door for a second to bring the dogs in and one of my neighbors saw me and called me over to chat for a bit about some workers needing to cut through my yard to get to his. What shirt was I wearing? #NoRegrets

9/13

I don't have any tattoos, they aren't really my thing.  But on the off chance I ever got one, it'd have to be something that's really important to me…

9/18

About 2 weeks ago I posted this letter that I sent to FatBoy Ice Cream raving about how much my wife and I enjoy their product. They sent me back a letter and a voucher for a free item.

This officially makes this the most (and only) profitable piece of comedy that I've ever written.

https://www.lastplacetrophies.com/2024/09/fatboy-caramel-cashew-cookie-sandwich.html

9/19

I don't know if I actually like eating beans or if I've just convinced myself that I like eating them because I like farting.

9/19

I use the phrase "see how the sausage is made" an awful lot for a guy who has never made sausage.

9/25

I'm really glad my underwear comes in a resealable bag for maximum freshness.

9/29

It's a little sad that I'm playing a game called "Golf With Your Friends" by myself.

And now I will close this out by complaining about the fact that it is officially fall and that is ass.  

-Ryan

Fatboy Caramel Cashew Cookie Sandwich Improved My Marriage

 

This is what heaven looks like

Dear Fatboy,

I may be exaggerating a bit with my title, but it’s pretty darn close.  I stumbled across the Caramel Cashew Cookie sandwich at my local grocery store.  I like ice cream. To say that my wife loves ice cream is an understatement.  This woman would live solely on ice cream if it was culturally and medically acceptable.  I know that, whether she admits it or not, the only reason that she married me is because she couldn’t legally marry ice cream.  Needless to say, I keep an eye on the freezer section at the store because I like surprising her with fun, new ice cream treats.  Your product stood out as an exceedingly unique creation.  I’d seen ice cream and cookie sandwiches aplenty before, but the shortbread cookie caught my eye immediately.  Then I read the text on the box; caramel cashew.  I was already on board just for the shortbread cookie, but THAT choice for ice cream flavor? I almost punched through the glass freezer door just to get at the box faster.  

I walked into the house more excited to show my wife this new ice cream treat than a 6 year old kid is to show his parents the frog he just caught in the backyard.  That box was opened before any other groceries were put away and we set course for FlavorTownTM. They say you should never meet your heroes.  Well this f@&king lived up to every single bit of the hype and then some. Good golly.  And as much as I enjoyed it, let me tell you about my wife.  I think the flavorbomb that she was treated to in that moment…well, let me just say that I have seen my wife’s eyes roll back in her head before, but I think your sandwich may have made them do a full 360.  I think we’ve all had someone bring in a so-called Better-Than-Sex Cake to the office holiday party and we’re left thinking, “Okay Sharon I’ve had your cake and, quite frankly, I have to wonder if your needs are being met.” This is a legitimate instance where you could have named this The Better-Than-Sex Cookie Sandwich and could have gotten away with it.  I would not have pushed back against that naming convention at all.

The phrase “never as good as the first time” exists for a reason.  It naturally happens sometimes that subsequent encounters with things in our lives fail to live up to the warm, fuzzy feelings towards that first experience.  Once again, your cookie sandwich defies all odds and absolutely is every bit as good the second, third, fifth, twelfth, and sixtieth time as it was the first time.  THIS SANDWICH DOES NOT MISS.  It is so consistently good that we have little “date-nights” in our living room on Friday nights just spending time together eating one of those cookie sandwiches and talking about how much we are enjoying the sandwiches.  You read that correctly, we talk to each other about how much we are enjoying the sandwiches as we are eating them.  It’s like we are competing to win a chance guest-hosting on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (that is my second Guy Fieri reference) based solely on our ability to describe how good the food we are eating is. I absolutely love this time we are spending together eating your cookie sandwiches.  These little ice cream mini-dates are an absolute highlight of both of our weeks.  And that is where the title comes in; your caramel cashew cookie sandwich improved my marriage.  These things are phenomenal and whatever absolute genius devised this work of art deserves to have a statue built of them for their contributions to mankind. Absolute legend. Great job.  We love it.

Thanks!

Ryan

August '24 Joke Round-Up

  I frontloaded August with jokes and then completely phoned in the 2nd half of the month.  That’s what’s going on here.  It’s been a bit interesting since I’ve started doing these roundups seeing the ebb and flow of the joke-writing; seems like I work in spurts of a few good days in a row and then radio silence until there’s another spurt.  I actually haven’t done any sort of analysis on that claim and don’t know if there’s any statistical significance to it.  But I’ve already typed that sentence and I’m not turning back now. So let’s look at these jokes.

8/1

How I stay motivated every day.

8/2

Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea

8/3

The fact that there's nobody else sitting near them makes this group of 4 look like they are the panel of judges for the concert.

8/10

Not trying to shit on the competitors because they are clearly very talented, but the general setup of Olympic breakdancing is so strange to me.  Everyone seems to go by their dancer nickname on the leaderboards and are announced as "B-boy/B-girl *nickname*".

I'm trying to imagine what this would be like in other sports.  Like you are watching swimming and the commentary team calls out "In lane 1 we have Swimmer Merman and in lane 2 we have Swimmer Flipper."  Or you flip over to a track event and the rankings show Thunderfeet and Speedy Jim.

8/10

I don't even understand why I like spicy foods. I'm sitting here pouring sweat, nose dripping, mouth on fire and hopelessly chugging a cold beverage for relief and my brain is saying, "This is fucking great, let's do this more."

8/15

Security Guy: "Sir, I need you to empty your pockets please."

Me: *dumping chicken nuggets out of my cargo shorts* "Sorry."

8/20

At any major event with a public restroom, there's always that 1 fucking guy in the crowded bathroom that loudly says, "So this is where all the dicks hang out."  And then like 3 other dudes give polite, half-hearted chuckles that only serve to encourage the first guy to keeping saying that dumb ass line at every opportunity because "it makes people laugh."

8/22

If I had to sum up the messaging from the DNC this week.

8/26

Yesterday I hung out at a friend's place for a bit as he was having people over for a wrestling pay-per view.  Naturally the topic of bidets came up and after getting on my soapbox about it a man that I had never met before got online and purchased a bidet on the spot.  Another convert! #BidetLife

I’m just gonna finish this post by saying that I love the shit out of my wife; she is awesome.  That’ll be a nice little easter egg.

-Ryan