June 2025 Joke Round-Up

  June was a busy month. That seems a little stupid to say when I consider that two of the things that kept me busy this month were vacations, so maybe I am just a whiner.  I am very tired and quite frankly am not quite sure if the blurry picture on the tv is because Charter is shitting it up again or because my eyes are just that unfocused. Turns out it was a secret third option where Netflix apparently forgot that we aren’t using dial-up.  But today was my first full day at home in a week after I parlayed a work trip into a family vacation with a sprinkle of fucking awful airline travel experiences in between. I have to cut myself off here because I have done more snoozing than typing in the last 5 minutes and that feels like a sign to call it. So here are the jokes.

6/5

This is the kind of storyline development usually reserved for premium live events. My guess is they'll have a match at SummerSlam.

6/6

All it takes is a little bit of cheese dust to get me to eat styrofoam packing peanuts.

6/7

I'm my dogs' favorite person if none of the rest of the family is home and we have no guests in the house.

6/15

I like Jack Black but I don't think I will ever forgive him for making "chicken jockey" a thing.

6/22

Why would I listen to country music when I could just shit in my hand and shove it in my ear canal?

6/23

I feel like it's at least a little bit weird that eggs are not one of the numerous foods that taste like chicken.

6/23

My daughter is a character. Wonder where she gets it.

6/26

The midwestern urge to drive places because "it's only 12 hours away" makes a lot of sense when you consider how fucking shitty airline travel is.

6/28

I don't care if it's cliche or the obvious joke. If you have nautical themed decorations and you don't have something in the bathroom labeling it the poop deck, then I have absolutely no respect for you.

This brain is simply not braining right now. I need to go to bed.

-Ryan

May 2025 Round-Up

  I’m having a hard time getting started on writing my intro this month because my brain is instead choose to focus on the two equally compelling conversations of “Should I eat more donuts?” and “What kind of person am I really?” And I think the answers to those two burning questions are ultimately “yes” and “a ridiculous one.”  I walked away from writing this hoping I could come up with something resembling a coherent thought and that just didn’t happen so now we’re just going to cut our losses and move on to these jokes.

5/2

I just fell down in the pantry reaching for a box of DingDongs. 35-40 years from now that's probably how I'll die.

5/3

On the one hand I'm like, "It's Saturday night, I don't have to work tomorrow and I can stay up as late as I want." But on the other hand I'm like, "Maybe 9:45 is as late as I want to stay up."

5/4

I feel like most people who go to garage sales are just picking out things that will end up in their next garage sale.

5/5

I think the thing I'm most afraid of in life might actually be ingrown toenails. I've made more of an effort in my life to avoid those than I have snakes, spiders, or heights.

5/9

My wife and I have been scheduling a lot of projects for our house, like waterproofing the basement and getting a new roof.  But we are officially putting all of this work on hold because this morning I saw the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of the zoo or National Geographic and now I've decided we're just going to burn down the house instead.

5/10

Son: "What's your middle name again? I forgot."

Me: "I'll give you a hint.  It starts with C and ends with R."

Son: "Charmander."

Me: "Yep, that's it. You nailed it."

5/17

I was just trying to cook up some odds and ends from our fridge and pantry and now my dinner looks like I filled a plate at an international buffet. Carnitas, couscous, and focaccia.

5/18

Do vampires have preferences on blood types? Like, are they different flavors? I'm imagining a vampire biting into someone, letting out a heavy sigh and saying, "Ugh, O+ again?! What I wouldn't give for some AB- right now."

5/18

My kids have been clogging the toilet a lot so, being an expert on the situation, I had to lecture them on proper toilet paper usage and flushing technique.  Ended it by saying, "Thanks for coming to my TURD Talk."

5/19

Women when they hear Shania Twain say "Let's go, girls!"

5/22

The flavors of Starburst are: yellow, orange, red, and pink.  Do not come at me with fruit names.

5/23

My daughter: "I don't know who any of those Marvel people are.  Is one of them White Claw? Is that a superhero?"

5/24

If the point of a Cage Match is to escape the cage, then why did you agree to be in the cage in the first place? Do you want to be in there or not? I'm getting mixed signals.

5/24

I left my bag of Doritos in the other room so that every time I want a few chips I have to go for a lil walk. This is my fitness plan.

5/25

It's crazy how my kids only realize that they are starving/exhausted/sick/urgently needing to poop when I give them a chore to do.

5/26

Family Feud: "Name something you might find in an oasis."

Me: "Noel and Liam Gallagher."

5/27

Me at my yearly checkup explaining to my doctor what medical concerns I have.

I think if I wait a few more years I can consolidate all of my round ups into a book that nobody will sell 4 copies but never actually be read by anyone. Yeah, honestly I wouldn’t even read my own book, I already lived these things and thought these thoughts once.

-Charmander

April '25 Joke Round-Up

  Honestly, I haven’t got a clue what to write for this intro. I just got back from taking my daughter to buy some nails and makeup for a school dance (obligatory, these kids are growing up so fast) and I’m waiting for the start of the Blues/Jets game, so I have like 45 minutes where I could potentially shut my brain off for a bit but instead I have decided that I absolutely have to write out this little blurb for this blog that may or may not have at some point just evolved into a real journal, or it might be a memoir but I honestly am not really sure that I fully understand what a memoir is (gonna Google that real quick, actually). Okay no, I do not think this qualifies as a memoir.  Maybe thousands of years from now someone will dig a server out of the rubble, recover the data on it and find this blog. Most of human history will have been wiped from existence so they will have no reason not to believe that San Diego isn’t German for “a whale’s vagina.”  This will be my mark on history.

4/2

Someday I will figure out how to stop burning things in the air fryer that we have had for 2 years, but today is not that day.

4/4

Every episode of WWE programming from January thru April.

4/7

One of my buddies told me that he has a recurring nightmare that he drops his keys into the porta-potty at the construction sites he has to visit for work.

Not gonna lie, if I dropped my keys into a porta-potty, I'd post my car on marketplace and hail an Uber. No going back, that is someone else's problem now.

4/9

Time for another episode of "Me Making Fabulous First Impressions". Last night I told a table full of people who I had just met "I don't have an OnlyFans because both my feet and butthole are unattractive."

Follow me for more tips on how to make friends.

4/10

The phrase "he's playing chess while everyone else plays checkers" doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.  If the agreed upon game is checkers, then the person playing chess is in the wrong.  If Steph Curry rode a horse onto the court and started swatting the ball with a mallet nobody would say, "Big brain move, he's playing polo while everyone else plays basketball," they'd say, "Yeah, he's clearly lost his mind."

Nevermind the fact that most of the people I see using this chess/checkers idiom still actively struggle with the rules to Candyland.

4/16

My son has kicked off a subs vs. dubs debate and the argument is currently consuming the family.

4/20

Me when that deviled egg platter comes out at family gatherings.

4/24

Barclay felt he needed some input on my meetings today.

4/29

My son has to do a report on Germany for his geography class. Being the great dad that I am, I told him there are many places here whose names are derived from their language, such as San Diego which is German for "a whale's vagina."

To be potentially the last memory of the movie Anchorman in a post-apocalyptic world is not a responsibility I take lightly.  I feel important.

-Ryan