January 2026 Joke Round-Up

  Holy shit, just seeing my first joke from last month made me realize how absolutely chock full of fuckery January was because with the latest Epstein file drop, the murdering of people in the street, the kidnapping of 5-year old’s, etc I totally forgot that Venezuela also happened this month. In things that were not awful reminders of the downfall of this country, I personally kicked off the month with some outdoor hockey with my yearly Winter Classic tournament and ended it with Wing Fling, so that was pretty cool.  Started playing a pirate game too and as I’m thinking about it right at this moment, I don’t know if I am actually still enjoying the game or just hyper-focused on grinding out the next ship upgrade.  I need more dubloons and purified saltpeter.  Let’s wrap this shit up and look at the jokes.

1/3

Watching this press conference about the US invading a sovereign nation.

1/5

Driving the family van and singing along to angsty pop-punk songs from the 00s is my vibe

1/6

Any time there is a post about American democracy, you can 100% tell who never passed 8th grade social studies by the fact that they excitedly hop into the comments to say "We're a republic, not a democracy!!"

1/6

Imagine that 5 years ago we all sat down and watched the same episode of Friends. And then the president not only denied the events of the episode we all collectively watched, but made an official government website about how what we all witnessed didn't actually happen and that Ross didn't actually sleep with the girl from the copy shop. And even though we definitely all watched the episode and know that he did sleep with her, supporters of the president all decided to just ignore the reality we all experienced and parrot his blatantly false claim that Ross didn't sleep with the copy shop girl.  Man, that would definitely require some weird-ass mental gymnastics.

1/9

I dreamt that I was watching some new TV show and there was a joke I thought was so funny that the rest of the dream was me telling other people to watch this hilarious show.

Unfortunately, upon waking up I could not remember the joke and I'm actually kind of wondering if the joke I can't remember ever even really existed or was just a plot point my brain used to push forward the rest of the dream.

1/9

Having an impact on those around me.

1/13

I feel like I should be drinking rum while I play this pirate game. For the immersion.

1/16

I guess there were snow flurries last night, but it really looks like the Winchester brothers wanted to make sure no demons got into our vehicles.

1/22

Can someone please explain to me why dudes have this obsession with starting new business pages and posting shit like "WE'VE ALL HAD OUR BATTLES AND EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE HOBBLED US, WE PERSEVERE THROUGH KNOWING THAT THE WE CAN NEVER BE BROKEN.  GOD SMILED ON ME AND TAUGHT ME THE CALL OF THE WILD THAT I CROON IN UNISON WITH MY BROTHERS. THAT'S WHAT (insert lame brand name) IS ALL ABOUT AND WHY WE SELL TSHIRTS”

Yeah, pretty shitty month for jokes. Gonna go check in on my pirate game now.

Ryan

December 2025 Joke Round-Up

  As is tradition, my December round up is the only one of the year that I actually write on the 1st of the following month.  It used to be because I was out at the bar partying it up for NYE and now it’s because my NYE is sitting in the basement with my family playing video games together just trying desperately to make it to midnight.  This is the most stereotypical-ass “look at how things change when you get older” post ever; let’s just go ahead and stop with that.  I came out of the gates hot in December the first few days and then by the end of the month apparently I had nothing at all to be joking about? Well, I guess several of those days at the end of the month I was passed out in bed with ‘rona for the entire day.  Anyways, the holidays are officially over and now we enter the stretch of the year with the longest amount of time between those sweet sweet paid holidays.  Neat.  I will make myself feel better by eating an entire shrimp ring today.

12/3

I don't mean to brag, but I feel like making a bilingual, Christmas-themed "your mom" joke is pretty impressive.

12/3
I have walked back and forth between the kitchen and bedroom 3 times because I'm indecisive about whether I want to eat something or change clothes first and I could've done both of those things already in the time I've wasted.

12/4

Me to myself looking for something to eat this morning: "Bro, fuck it. Nothing in life matters, just eat some fish sticks for breakfast."

12/5

GET THE ENTIRE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THIS BULLSHIT

12/8

When I die I want my wife to build me a casket out of wooden pallets and then post it on Pinterest.

12/13

So cozy

12/13

What?

12/21

Me, alone in the house with the Xbox on, gifts and wrapping paper spread out on the floor, food prep and seasonings out on the kitchen counter, eating a bag of chips: "I may have committed to too many things at once."

Welp, I am ready to spend the rest of this day silently screaming into the abyss.  Or playing Xbox. Not fully decided yet.

-Ryan

November 2025 Joke Round-Up

  Holy fuckarooski, we are just barreling recklessly towards the end of the year now.  Time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now. And now we take a peek into the inner workings of my brain, as I wrote that little intro there, then decided I liked it so much as its own little thought that I posted it as a joke on the page, thus making me also include it in my summary of jokes for the month. So there might be a fun little moment of deja vu when you get to the end of this post. That’s extra funny because nobody reads these, not even me! I’m going to have it put in my will that the entire contents of this sight be read aloud before divvying up my estate; which is probably gonna be like a grand total of $14 and a box full of various random cables that I saved my entire life just in case.  These jokes, tho.

11/3

My wife: *watching baby hippo videos*

Me: "Do you want to see my favorite hippo video?"

My wife: "Yea...no, because it's gonna be the pooping video."

Me: "It absolutely was gonna be the pooping video."

#Soulmates

11/4

This morning I woke up with the knowledge that I absolutely had to combine a picture of Ash turning his hat backwards with this spoof of an iconic quote from the movie "They Live".  Sometimes my brain just be doing things.

Edit: out of sheer happenstance, I have just learned that the movie "They Live" was released to theaters exactly 37 years ago today.

11/5

This felt like a really important conversation about hats with my friends.

11/6

I typed this out to myself at 1am. My brain was doing some dumb shit.

11/10

Today's high temp is 38 with a wind chill of 15 and I need to know who the hell could possibly be out there excited about this. Every time people say Fall or Winter is their favorite season, this is what I think of.  Who is waking up thinking "This is perfect. I've waited all year to be cold as shit." Because I need you to know that you are wrong and I don't like you.

11/11

I wonder if when John Cena retires he will change his name to John Postre.

This is a bilingual joke, fyi.

11/11

Any bar can be a karaoke bar if you put $20 in the TouchTunes and sing loud as fuck.

11/14

Not so much a joke as it is commentary on the depressing state of everything right now.

11/15

I'm wearing a St. Louis Blues shirt that shows the year the team was established and my son pointed out "Your shirt says 6 7." So that's another fucking thing that kids have ruined.

11/18

Seriously I need to know what sort of magic allows USB cables to somehow have 3 sides.

11/20

I'm getting to live out a dad-joke today as I'm taking my daughter to a dentist appointment at 2:30. She is not nearly as amused as I am.

11/21

Idk what everyone else is doing at 3 a.m. but I'm laying awake wondering if my arms are too long.

11/25

I have spent my entire life not knowing how to get the inside of a Toaster Strudel warm without burning the outside and at this point I've just come to really enjoy the temperature dichotomy of the warm, flaky crust with a chilled fruit filling.

11/25

One dog is mad as hell and the other gives no fucks.

11/25

I feel like if I was bald I would struggle to know how far up the sides of my face I should let my beard grow.

11/28

Me eating leftovers this morning: "Thanksgiving is over when I say it's over."

11/30

We are officially in that part of the year where time is becoming an illusion. Days of the week are losing all meaning. We are living in a perpetual haze of gravy, twinkling lights, and the smooth sounds of Michael Buble crooning out holiday hits seemingly everywhere you go as though it’s just the background music for your internal monologue now.

Hey, there it is! That thing that I wrote at the beginning. That was fun. I am so clever.

-Ryan