February '25 Joke Round-Up

For being the shortest month, February always feels painfully long.  Usually that’s just because it’s a cold, shitty, gray month.  This year it’s been even longer due to the new presidential administration’s insistence on setting a new speedrun record for completely fucking a country.  An additional hurdle to the month has been that on the 2nd I separated my shoulder playing hockey and on the 27th I got my wisdom teeth removed, so I’ve bookended all of the shittiness with me being in considerable amounts of pain. Hooray!  I am exhausted, in pain, and very cranky so we are just gonna go right to these jokes.

2/3

Little Women is playing in this waiting room.  If I wait here long enough I might get to see the sequel 2 Little 2 Women.

2/7

Honestly, the only reason to not like the Fast & Furious franchise is because you hate fun.

2/12

I amuse myself.

2/12

I remember when I first read "A Modest Proposal" in school. My internal This-Shit-Can't-Be-Serious alarm went off in my head, but I recall a lot of my classmates didn't have the same skepticism and were instead appalled by it, not realizing it was a work of satire. At the time I chalked it up to the fact that we were kids, surely everyone would know better when we were grown.

But when you consider that "A Modest Proposal" is usually in 11th or 12th grade curriculums and the average reading comprehension level in America is between a 7th and 8th grade level, it makes a lot of sense why so many people believe and share the absolute dumbest shit that they see on social media.

2/15

My wife and I were talking and the phrase "express yourself" was mentioned.  Immediately we both started singing.  She went with N.W.A. and I went with Madonna.  Draw whatever conclusions you wish from that.

2/18

Me watching my wife back down the driveway on her way to work this morning while I prepare for another day working from home.

2/20

I like on slow mo replays when they are very clearly enunciating and emphasizing the word fuck.  Like they just showed a slow mo replay of Brady Tkachuk fist bumping the bench and saying "FUCK YEAH!"  There was absolutely purpose for that to be a slow mo replay other than to show fuck.  Ain't nobody watching this thinking "I hope they slow mo replay the fist bumps so I can see if he misses anyone."

2/21

It's always disappointing when you let out an epic fart and there's nobody else around to hear or smell it.  It ends up being just another "I once caught a fish THIS big" stories.

2/21

I recognize this face, I have seen it so much.  This sculpture's husband probably just pointed a stud finder at himself and made beeping noises.

2/24

Later this week I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed. My wife was talking about how people tend to say lots of goofy shit after coming-to from the anesthesia and my daughter deadass looked at me and said, "So you're just gonna be your normal self then."

2/26

I am so tired today for the dumbest reason.  On my little pre-op instruction sheet from the oral surgeon one of the bullet points is "Please get a good night's rest before surgery. Surgery is tolerated best in patients who are well rested."

So last night I could not sleep because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to sleep well tonight.

2/27

So what did I talk about in my anesthesia-ridden haze? Microsoft Excel.  I told the nurses all about how much I enjoy the Vlookup function. I also shouted "Ahh! Kelly Clarkson!" when they pulled off the IV tape, was very adamant in letting everyone know how smart and beautiful my wife is, and made sure they were aware that my Aunt makes great mashed potatoes.

Honestly, my daughter was right. All of this was pretty normal for me.

2/28

My dog Polly absolutely hates squirrels. She sits at the back door watching for them and absolutely loses her shit when she sees one.  When she gets let out into the yard she runs circles around our tree barking up into the air just to let them know that she will not tolerate any of their bullshit. 

As I sit here today with a swollen face trying to get some rest, there are 2 squirrels that have been either fighting or fucking all up and down my roof and across the power line drop-in to my house all morning. And you know what?  I agree with Polly. Fuck them squirrels

I’m gonna be honest, I do not have the energy or mental capacity to give this a proper ending.  I am going to take some pain pills and lay down.

-Ryan

January '25 Joke Round-Up

  This was an obnoxiously long month.  Actually, the last third of it in particular was painfully long and aggravating.  We are absolutely living in the dumbest timeline currently and there are an unbelievable amount of unfathomably stupid people actively cheering on the clown show at the moment.  That’s fun.  And on top of that, it’s absolutely the shittiest time of the year; all of the holidays are over so it’s just a bunch of cold and gray days that everybody has to go to work while still feeling fat and lazy from the holidays.  Neato.  I did write a few longer-form jokes this month than my usual quippy zingers.  Mixed results there as nearly half of my jokes this month got absolutely no reaction whatsoever.  Is that because people are leaving FB in droves due to them bending the knee to the new administration? Or is it because I suck and so do my lame attempts at humor? Maybe a little of column A and a little of column B.  I’ll tell you one person who can’t get enough of me, and that’s my dopey little FB troll who has once again resurfaced, hell-bent on proving that there actually exists a person so pathetic that they have made me their personal hobby. Yikes, that is embarrassing for them.  But let’s focus on things that are embarrassing for me, like these jokes.

1/3

I had Wednesday off for New Year's, so now my brain is confused as to whether today is Tuesday or Friday.  As such, I'm going to call it Tryday because I'm just gonna try to get my shit together and hope for the best.

1/7

Meta/FB announced that they are removing fact-checking from their platforms.  And while you can (and should) be frustrated with them for this in a world that is chock full of misinformation, you should probably direct a good chunk of your ire towards the large swath of our population that sees being corrected as an infringement of their right to continue being a dumbass.

1/8

Right here is one of the major problems with my brain.  My deodorant got low enough that the pushup didn't go high enough to use anymore. But I'm like "There's still some to use, I can just hold it in my hand to apply it."  I can afford more deodorant. I even already have new deodorant in the cabinet.  But I'm using up this tiny little bit so I'm not wasteful.

Alternatively, if you asked me right now "You wanna go blow a bunch of money on shitty food we don't need?" I wouldn't hesitate for a second.  "Gotta use up this last little smidgen of deodorant so I don't have to second-guess ordering 12 Beef N Cheddars"

1/8

Personally, I think you should only be allowed to wax your mustache into a curly-cue if you own and regularly ride around on a penny farthing.

1/9

Based strictly on how quickly she was able to answer the question "When is this person's birthday," my daughter's preference of people is as follows:

1. Olivia Rodrigo

2. Me

3. Her mom

1/10

I'm pretty proud of how this played out.

1/10

My friends love getting texts from me.

1/10

My wife and I just split a pizza that we didn't even tell our kids we made.  I don't know if we're garbage parents or genius ones.

1/14

This is gonna start off weird, but just come along for the ride. I think it would suck to be cold while dying. It’s adding insult to injury. It’s bad enough that you’re dying, but you can’t even do it at a comfortable temperature? Garbage.  Way back in 2005 I watched a movie starring Mark Wahlberg, Tyrese Gibson, and Andre 3000. If you were able to correctly guess that I am talking about the movie Four Brothers…what the fuck? Anyway, I hope I’m not spoiling anything in this 20 year-old movie, but at one point one of the aforementioned brothers dies outside in the snow wearing clothes that were in no way suitable for the temperature at the time.  Because of that scene, for 2 decades now I have had a little thought lingering in the back of my head about how much it would suck to die laying in the cold like that. Probably not exactly like that because that dude got taken out in some kind of criminal underworld shootout.  But the cold part, that freaks me out.  I hate being cold. That’s why I’m hoping when I go it’s somewhere warm. I want to be warm and relaxed so at least the whole experience doesn’t suck. Someplace like the beach. A sauna. Or a hot tub. And, you know, it kinda sounds like when I die it’s really gonna ruin vacation for my wife.

1/15

My daughter got upset that I assumed some candy wrappers left on the kitchen table were her doing so I had to put it in terms that she'd understand.

Me: "If the whole family was sitting in the living room and you smelled a fart, who would you think did it?"

Her: "You! Obviously!"

Me: "And why would you think that?"

Her: "Because you're always farting!!"

Me: "That's why I assumed you left the candy wrappers."

1/15

Have you ever picked up and ate what you thought was a crumb from dinner on the counter only to realize once it's in your mouth that you've made a terrible mistake and whatever it is that you're eating is far too old and crunchy to be from the meal you just made? Yeah, me neither…

1/20

Messing around on The Jackbox Survey Scramble and this question was 100% set up for this reference.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!!"

1/22

At a certain point it's hard to tell which aches are from being sick and which are from just having an aging, out of shape body that has suffered from years of neglect and bad habits.

1/23

It's some kind of weird mental gymnastics to defend some seriously problematic gestures, be absolutely wrong on easily verifiable information, then think your big "gotcha" moment is to respond with a confirmation that you were wrong while still trying to be an asshole about it.  It's literally okay to just STFU sometimes when you don't know things.

1/24

Usually when I sing in the shower I am a cover artist. I will occasionally belt out an original, but I'm always self-aware enough to have the originals as the opener.

Today, as I took an alarmingly hot shower to warm up from this miserable cold weather, I opened the show with my new single "I Wanna Melt Like Grilled Cheese" and followed it up with a cover of "I Melt With You" by Modern English.  There may have been a theme.

1/25

I think the most hyped I have ever been at any point in my life was probably back in 1995 when I heard there was gonna be a Power Rangers movie.

1/30

I love how conspiracy theorists regularly fall back on the assumption that anyone who doesn't subscribe to their crackpot bullshit must be getting all their information from "mainstream media" like everyone who believes the moon exists clearly is indoctrinated by CNN.

Listening to the rantings of a guy who lives in a dumpster and wears a shoe on his head is also not getting your information from mainstream media, but it's by no means a reliable source either.

I really don’t know how I want to end this post. I’m in a bit of a time crunch in between running the kids around, which is also kind of silly because there truly is no deadline for me to finish writing this thing that nobody will read.  “Oh shit, I better get my lame-ass web journal updated before my completely self-imposed and arbitrary deadline.”  That’s it. That’s the ending.

-Ryan

December '24 Joke Round-Up

  When this blog post auto-publishes the morning of Jan. 1st, I will (hopefully) still be asleep in bed next to my wife, not having a care in the world except for maybe nursing a hangover. We’re having a low key NYE in our basement, but at this point in my life if I drink 2 beers my body just kinda rolls the dice on whether or not I will feel like a bag of assholes in the morning.  I felt pretty good about the number of jokes I wrote this past month.  I did not feel good about the fact that this is the most jokes I have written with absolutely no reaction in a single month’s time.  At the time of writing this, 5 of these 20 jokes got absolutely no reaction on the big FB.  So, either I was really phoning it in, or FB is a dead platform and I should move on, or people are just tired of me and my shtick.  Who knows! Honestly, it would make a lot of sense for people to be tired of me because I have been tired of myself for years; I am exhausting to be around and I am the only person who never gets a chance to have time away from me.  Anyways, let’s look at some of those jokes.

12/4

I couldn't be a musician.  I'd either play my own songs on repeat, declaring each song to be a "certified banger" or I'd hate everything I'd created forever.  No in-between.

12/6

If FB community pages didn't exist, where would people post pictures of the Ring doorbell cameras and ask who is on their front porch instead of just answering the fucking door?

12/6

I met some of my wife's coworkers the other day. And apparently my idea of a good first impression was to talk about how, on more than one occasion in my life, I have contemplated eating something I saw in the trash.

12/7

One thing I do really enjoy is when jokes write themselves.  Yesterday I had some random anti-vax dingus take exception to a joke I wrote 2 weeks ago at the expense of walking punchline and noted brain worm enthusiast RFK Jr.  It's a shame she missed the joke I wrote making fun of flat-earthers the very next day because of course she's one of those too.

12/8

Well, this book definitely missed the mark…

12/9

As if I needed a reason to sing "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" in the shower.

12/9

I'm watching professional wrestling and drinking fruit punch flavored wine out of my Best Dad mug. This is it. I have reached peak existence.

12/13

I have made far too many frozen pizzas in my life to still be digging the cooking instructions out of the trash because I'm not quite sure I know what I'm doing.  And yet here we are.

12/15

I would say that my greatest success as a parent is never introducing Elf on the Shelf to our household.

12/18

Pretty sure that covers it.

12/18

Sometimes I don't know if the food I'm eating is actually good or if I just have embarrassingly low standards.

12/20

Imagine being the richest person in the world and still being the lamest MFer in existence.  Gosh, that would be so embarrassing.

12/20

My kids after watching me eat 2 burgers topped with chili and jalapeños.

Abby: "Dude, that's gonna mess you up. It's gonna make you go #3."

Henry: "What's #3?"

Abby: "You don't wanna know."

I am so proud of the impression I've made on my children.

12/21

It's kind of a shame that I don't like Bloody Marys because a lot of them come with snacks on top and I love snacks.

12/23

My wife's preferred sleeping position is Dead Yamcha. Every time I see her asleep, for a split second I wonder if I'm gonna have to go collect all 7 Dragonballs to wish her back to life.

12/24

I'm just full of holiday spirit and beef.

12/27

Fact: Dino nuggs are better than regular nuggs.

12/29

My wife and daughter went to the store and when they got home my daughter burst through the door singing, "We have potato wedges!"

I swear, if she starts eating wings she'll damn near be a carbon copy of me.

12/30

Sometimes I get upset that my dog can't understand all the nice things I say to him.  I just really need him to know that he is the handsomest boy.

12/31

I feel really embarrassed right now because I just put a whole bunch of toasted ravioli on a platter that says "Now that's saucesome!" but I forgot to get sauce.

Cheers to 2025 and all the fuckery it will bring. Hold on to your butts.

-Ryan