November '24 Joke Round-Up

  Woo, I wrote a lot of jokes this month.  A lot more than usual.  I think that’s because of the sense of despair from some major world event this past month.  What a shitshow.  At least I can look forward to the jokes on this blog eventually being used as state’s evidence to send me to the gulag.  Oh well, moving on. What else happened this month? I finally gave in and let myself play Stardew Valley, which has consumed my thoughts exactly as expected.  My wife finally watched the video of me on the Discovery Channel in 8th grade and so now she knows my deep, dark secret: that despite all outward appearances I might not be a complete dumbass.  Idk, there are probably more things that happened this month too, but I’m already at a decent-sized paragraph and ready to move on to these jokes.

11/4

I really don't understand how there's still water left in the sky since I'm hoarding so much of it in my basement.

11/5

It's kind of surreal that I just have to sit here going about my day normally while waiting to find out exactly how dumb the rest of the country's population is.

11/5

I'm eating refried beans for dinner so that if the election doesn't go the way I want it to I'll at least have farts to make me smile.

11/6

Imagine having an unflappable belief, despite any and all evidence to the contrary, that Rainn Wilson is a great salesman in real life because you watched The Office.  The real villain in all of this is Mark Burnett.

11/8

It's 3am, I'm standing in my dark kitchen eating cold mashed potatoes with my fingers. Clearly, things have gone off the rails.

11/8

Since I can't sleep, I guess I'll just rewatch the greatest movie ever made: 2 Fast 2 Furious. #KickItANickel #NotGoingBackToBarstow #WeHungry #Gallo12OrGallo24

11/8

I realize that there is just a fundamental problem with myself because I stupidly think that if I provide someone with factual information and references in situations where they were misinformed they will be like, "Oh yes, I appreciate this info and I will take this into consideration and adjust my stance on this matter accordingly" instead of just doubling down on their wrongness.

11/10

My last post had a lot of really positive reactions from people who, like me, are open to changing their stances on issues when presented with factual information.  Pursuant to that, I'd now like to talk to you all about why 2 Fast 2 Furious is the greatest movie ever made…

11/12

I like to watch Jeopardy in the afternoons to flex on my kids.  Especially as they are getting into their teenage years when they think their parents are dumb I can be like, “Yeah, well I know the jazz trumpeter who released the 1957 album ‘Miles Ahead’, which had him playing the flugelhorn on all the tracks.  Do you?”

11/12

Life Pro Tip: You can use a fitted sheet to wrap yourself into a cocoon and be cozy AF.

11/13

I am currently explaining to a grown adult how a bill becomes a law and the role of checks and balances of each branch of the government and holy shit, did everybody not watch Schoolhouse Rock?

11/14

I have just learned that making a post on Bluesky is known as "skeeting" and I think it's painfully obvious that nobody consulted Lil Jon before coining this term…

11/14

Without fail, every time I think to myself "I bet it's about time to change the air filter in my furnace" I find out that I'm actually 4 months overdue.

11/15

Our dog tried to follow the kids out the door on their way to school this morning.  I told him "Barclay, you can't go to school, you don't even have any pencils."  Truthfully, I don't think a lack of pencils is the ultimate determinant as to why our dog can't go to school, but he's a dog and doesn't understand this.

11/15

Based on the picks so far, it looks like Trump's next batch of cabinet appointments will be: The Penguin, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Fuzzy Lumpkins, and the bear from The Revenant.

11/16

I need Wham-O to come out with a cushioned Slip 'N Slide for adults.  Those little tarps that just sit on the ground and have you feeling every single bump and divot are absolutely terrible when you do not have the physical resiliency of a child.  I still want to enjoy Slip 'N Slides but do not want to ice down my whole body the next day.

11/18

My favorite part about donating blood is afterwards when they tell you "No heavy lifting or strenuous activity and don't skip any meals" because I was already planning to just lay on my couch and eat snacks but now I don't have to feel bad about it.

11/20

Just went and got my flu & covid shots to make sure I had them before the incoming Secretary of Health & Human Services replaces vaccines with Ivermectin and brain worms.

11/21

Here is a little tip for media literacy: if the youtube video you are watching is titled something like "The TRUTH behind -insert whatever subject matter-" you can be reasonably certain that it is not truthful.

11/21

Do you ever see someone out themselves as a flat-earther and you're not even surprised or disappointed or anything, you're just like, "Yeah, that tracks for them"?

11/22

If I ever became independently wealthy to the point that I didn't NEED to work, I would absolutely take a part time job in either retail or food service just so I could indiscriminately tell off any customers that decided to act like an asshole.

11/22

I bet Crocodile Dundee could've saved Chubbs' hand.

11/24

I feel like most people probably have a preference between dromedary and bactrian camels but my wife says I'm just weird.

11/26

Top 3 things that catholicism has brought to society:

1. Weekly fish fries

2. Sister Act

3. Sister Act 2

11/27

"Fuck it, let's go hard." - me deciding to put a 3rd scoop of leftover ground beef in the ramen noodles I'm making for lunch

11/30

I guess I'll get myself into the holiday spirit and watch Die Hard.

Man, I had a lot of movie references in there this month too.  And what a spread, too. James Bond, Die Hard, Fast & Furious, The Revenant, Sister Act, Crocodile Dundee, Happy Gilmore.  I am just a font of pop culture references or something.  Neato.

-Ryan

October '24 Joke Round-Up

  Taking a PTO day from work on a Thursday but not also taking Friday off feels dumb.  I could have given myself an extra long weekend but instead I have broken up my week and will likely make Friday feel very confusingly like a Monday.  What an obnoxious thing for me to be complaining about.  Here’s something worth complaining about: on Oct. 3rd I wrote a joke about the shitty tasting medicine I was taking while feeling sick; and here I am at the end of the month still coughing.  I can’t recall a time in my life that I got sick and didn’t have a lingering cough for three to four weeks afterwards; it’s great.  How about these jokes though?

10/2

Sometimes I throw together a pretty impressive dinner from odds and ends and I think to myself "I could probably hold my own in an amateur cooking competition."  Then I remember that my knife skills are shit and I'd still be trying to dice an onion while everyone else is plating.

10/3

I've been under the weather this week.  My wife picked this up at the pharmacy to help me function and I gotta say, if I didn't know better I would think there had been a horrible mistake at the bottling facility because this shit tastes like I'm drinking floor cleaner. Imagine opening a jar of Vick's Vaporub and eating it with a spoon like yogurt.  Absolutely awful, I'd almost rather just keep feeling like shit than take this stuff.

10/7

When my wife tells me in the morning that she didn't hear me come home from hockey at 1 a.m., it gives me a bit of comfort that she probably also does not hear me making myself snacks at midnight every other night of the week.

10/11

Pretty sure this is how my kids would live if I didn't spend all day every day telling them to pick up their trash.

10/18

Election season on social media is a great way to find out which people you know are definitely not smarter than a 5th grader.

10/19

I feel like the speed at which bread gets moldy is highly dependent on whether or not I want to make a sandwich.

10/22

This very upset man-child in my DMs believes that me posting info about early voting in my town makes me a biased piece of shit and is going to make his own group, presumably named "Angry Idiots Overreacting About Nothing."

We are days away from a very important election that is giving me a lot of anxiety due to the fact that people in general tend to be embarrassingly stupid, as evidenced by that last screenshot.  I wonder how I’ll be feeling when it’s time to write my next joke round-up.  

-Ryan

September '24 Joke Round-Up

  I don’t even know how to intro.  Let’s just fucking go.  I started off September pretty promising on the writing-front.  Leveled off slightly in the middle, and then completely shit the bed at the end.  But I did sneak in a whole new original piece of writing that isn’t just a lazy copy-paste job of jokes that I wrote coupled with a diary entry.  Those ice cream sandwiches are fucking good.  I was INSPIRED. By food.  I love food and that definitely shows in the things that I write.  Food and farts, that’s how I can be summed up as a person.  So these jokes, though.

9/4

Hot sauce does a great job of warming your insides, so it's basically like a substitute for being loved.

9/5

If I'm being honest, one of my life goals is to be the type of person that, when I'm not in a room and my name comes up, people have positive things to say about me.

But I'm still struggling to have positive things said about me while I'm in the room, so I may not be realistic with my goal-setting.

9/5

I think the really cool thing about not being able to sleep at night is that I get to make sure I feel like complete ass for my workday while also not having anything enjoyable to do right now to make feeling like ass even be worth it.

9/5

Historically, sleep has been the only surefire way to keep myself from snacking so insomnia is terrible for my diet plan.

9/6

There's a strange sound funnel in my neighborhood near my house where I can very clearly hear people talking across the street from my master bathroom, almost as if they were standing in the bathroom with me.   I really hope this sound funnel does not work both ways…

9/6

Pure excitement. Every time.

9/10

I have a healthy relationship but an unhealthy diet.

9/11

I stuck my head out the door for a second to bring the dogs in and one of my neighbors saw me and called me over to chat for a bit about some workers needing to cut through my yard to get to his. What shirt was I wearing? #NoRegrets

9/13

I don't have any tattoos, they aren't really my thing.  But on the off chance I ever got one, it'd have to be something that's really important to me…

9/18

About 2 weeks ago I posted this letter that I sent to FatBoy Ice Cream raving about how much my wife and I enjoy their product. They sent me back a letter and a voucher for a free item.

This officially makes this the most (and only) profitable piece of comedy that I've ever written.

https://www.lastplacetrophies.com/2024/09/fatboy-caramel-cashew-cookie-sandwich.html

9/19

I don't know if I actually like eating beans or if I've just convinced myself that I like eating them because I like farting.

9/19

I use the phrase "see how the sausage is made" an awful lot for a guy who has never made sausage.

9/25

I'm really glad my underwear comes in a resealable bag for maximum freshness.

9/29

It's a little sad that I'm playing a game called "Golf With Your Friends" by myself.

And now I will close this out by complaining about the fact that it is officially fall and that is ass.  

-Ryan